Beautiful Smart Entropy
by Spectra16
Summary: JulyAugust Criminality challenge fic! Artemis is the only boy in the all boy's school that is normal! And then somehow a girl shows up! And the OOC begins!
1. Blatant Plot Development

**Boyhood Rivalries**

By Spectra16 ("Everyone's a Ludo Bagman!"-99 Death Eaters by Draco and the Malfoys)

A/N: Wow. This story idea sort of came up from underneath. I was just sitting on my couch one day, after having read the latest Criminality challenge (July-August 2006), and the idea sort of crept out of under my couch and kicked me in the teeth. It was rude, but much needed. This will be my first official Crim challenge that I will take on, considering the April-May challenge sort of ended right as I discovered it, and I already had written a crossover (which is quite ironic).

The challenge is to write an out-of-character fic. I used to write these as a youngling, but I abandoned the venture after myriads of flames and hate mail. Now, I finally have an idea that will work with Artemis mild out-of-character nature. Summary? After years at St. Bartleby's, Artemis had developed several rivals and enemies, but only one keeps the revenge venture to himself, and plans viciously. Artemis is mostly out of character, but he's not the main focus of the story, just the antagonist, in a sense. Once in a while, there will be a cut scene to other characters from the Artemis Fowl series, and they will be out of character.

Disclaimer: Wow, you're still reading? Amazing. Anyways, Spectra16 doesn't own Artemis Fowl or any blatant references to British comedy, etc. The only thing she owns is her diabolical OC, which does not reflect her personality. Yay! (ahem) She also would like to apologize that she can't stop listening to the Andrew L. Webber soundtrack of POTO, (Shame, shame, shame.) and that it might reflect in her writing. Again, she apologizes.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter One: Blatant Plot Development With No Sign of the Main OC

Artemis Fowl was usually bored to death of his class work, but rarely did it reflect physically. This was not so today. He slouched over with his elbows on the desk as he poked a pen into his forehead. Everyone two seconds, he'd poke again. A tiny hole would pop back slowly turning the short period of which he wasn't poking himself. His seat was near the window, of which he usually looked out of when he was bored. Today, even the outside world seemed boring. After poking himself repeatedly, he quietly put his pen down and leaned back in his chair, face pointed to the ceiling. The teacher didn't bother to ask what he was doing, since he knew that he'd get a snide, snappy answer from the "boy genius".

_He thinks he's better than the rest of us! He thinks he's so smart! Well, someday, I'll catch him off guard! And then he won't be so cocky! The only thing is, what would I catch him off guard with? Questions about American pop culture? Questions about cooking in a fast food scenario? Questions about shampoo ingredients? Personal information? Persian carpets? Chemicals in polyester? Fall Out Boy? Burn Out Revenge? German speaking pirates? Japanese calligraphy? Dr. Who? OH MY GOD MY MIND HURTS!_

Artemis sprung up to see his teacher clutching his hair madly, rocking back and forth. He quirked an eyebrow at Mr. Monarski. The heavily bearded Scottish, teacher (whom never left the house without his kilt) ran from the room, screaming. This happened more often than the school cared to write down in their pamphlet. Luckily, there was always new positions for teachers in Ireland, because of the simple fact that Artemis slowly drove them insane, either on purpose or on accident.

Several quiet moments later, a boy in front turned around to his friend who sat behind him and they talked and laughed. Everyone remained reasonably quiet. Artemis grunted and spun his pen on his desk.

"E e e eh," Artemis moaned. A few seats behind him, a boy shook with rage and shaped his wooden pencil. His eye twitched with anger and his breath was short and fast.

_Four years of hell, I refuse to share a lab table with him! Just because I have the next name in accordance to the alphabet! DAMMIT! THAT BASTARD! I'll kill him!_

The boy threw his pencil shards down and stormed out of the classroom. This, unfortunately, was normal behavior for anyone who had emotions. Artemis paid no heed to it anymore. After the first few years of this, he'd finally adjusted to the fact that everyone hated him for _almost _no reason. Artemis rubbed his left eyes tiredly.

_I can't wait for lunch._

-.-.-.-.-

The Man of St. Bartleby was Principal Guiney, whom had a slight fear of squirrels and an obsessive compulsive disorder that would drive any megalomaniac (such as Artemis) insane for germ killing hand wipes. He opened the door with a rag in hand, in order to turn the door handle.

"I'm sorry young males, but your teacher is having a nice, long, civilized conversation with Dr. Po," He spoke robotically. Artemis glanced up at him. Principal Guiney ignored the many looks of apathy. "Your new teacher will be arriving as soon as he gets his face out of his wife's ass." And with that news, Principal Guiney walked out after wiping down his shoes, which were in open boxes, causing him to shuffle around.

"What will we do until then?" One boy asked aloud, although he no one was sure if he was actually speaking to the class, or if that was his incredibly loud internal monologue talking. Artemis did not get involved, to say the least. The bell rang. Yes, Artemis jumped up quickly and bolted for the door with his thin books. On the way out, a jealous boy tripped him, but Artemis caught his balance before almost imminent falling.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Lunch at St. Bartleby's was definitely not like your average American public school. Average? What the hell am I saying? EVERY AMERICAN SCHOOL. In any case, Artemis had on his tray a Mediterranean salad with steak. He sat over at a table with some of his typical acquaintances. Most of them, according to the outrageous stereotypes that are mostly true, had pocket protectors, big glasses, and large buck teeth. One boy noisily scarfed down his beef sandwich, another traded Magic cards (Disclaimer: I don't own that either, I guess.) with another boy.

"I'm not giving you my Pink Eyes White Dragon for that piece of shit!"

"Piece of shit? This is Spectral, the Mermaid of Eternity! She had twenty damage against ogre species! This is totally equal to Pink Eyes!"

"Shut up! You don't know anything!"

Artemis didn't rub his temples, if only because that would make him in character. Instead, he put his fork up to his eye and poked around it. It was a little trick his father had taught him immediately after his return from the Helsinki hospital. He kept poking around his eyelid lightly. Once in a while, the boys at his table would glance at his strange behavior, but ignore it. Artemis had been waiting for an exceptionally boring day like this one to do this.

"Fine then. Will you trade me a Nyghtdae nimph collector set for it?"

"The hell I will! Pink Eyes is my little baby-waby! I could never give him up! He's won countless battles and formed my dream deck using cards I knicked off small children!"

"What evs man."

Artemis resisted a cliché, vampire-like smile. He grabbed a creamer and quietly peeled off the seal under the table. After it was open, he cupped it in his hand, and still poking at his eye with a fork, he closed his eye and threw his cupped hand over it, spilling the cream all over his face. And with a loud shrill and some stumbling around in a very convincingly confused manner, he had his table in a hysterical, panicked uproar.

-.-.-.-.-.-

The Fowl Manor had turned into a completely boring place after Artemis had left for school, after Angeline's sanity had returned, and after Artemis Fowl Senior had decided writing checks to charity organizations was more thrilling than extortion. Juliet didn't want to pursue her schooling and she didn't want to be a bodyguard for the Fowls either. Most people believed she'd be a famous cage fighter in South America, but honestly, Juliet desired something different.

Juliet Butler really wanted to be a tail gunner for an ice cream truck in Los Angeles, California. There wasn't a lot of job opportunities in this field, but that was precisely why she desired it as much as she wanted.

And she was currently watching Laguna Beach (Disclaimer: If I owned that, you all would have a decent reason to spork me to death.).

Work out your own conclusions of out-of-character-dom.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: I've been waiting for a VERY long time to write a humor fic about Artemis' adventures at St. Bartleby's, and now I have a good excuse to use out-of-character nature. Yay! I hope everyone enjoyed that. Oh yeah, if you're confused about the Spectral thing, another requirement was that you had to write yourself in somehow, be it penname, personality, etc. So in every chapter, I'll somehow incorporate myself into the story. Also, the next chapter will consist of a mock Mary Sue, the protagonist (whom of which is not the Mary Sue), and the inspiration of classic rock and late nights. Also, soon I'll be posting my greatest icons on my deviant art account. Look me up! (I use my same penname.)


	2. The Unathorized Biography of a Vengeful

**Boyhood Rivalries**

By Spectra16 (Hate me because I hate Nick Lachey)

A/N: How is everyone doing? Oh yeah, I'm open to ideas that you guys will give me. Every writer needs a little kick in the tush once in a while. Anyhow, I'm glad some of you decided to take a chance on an OOC fic. I make it a point not to introduce my OC in the first chapter. I makes the character less likely to have Mary Sue/Gary Stew characteristics. MEH.

Disclaimer: One of these days, the disclaimers were slaughter me and make a town spectacle of my rotting head. And because of this reason, I'm not writing another disclaimer for this story. You guys have already heard the drill. I've had enough. Just like J. Lo.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Two: The Unauthorized Life of A Vengeful Teen

A snort bubble popped, waking the boy genius in the middle of his history class. Luckily, his insane Scottish teacher had returned, hopefully, more stable than he had been a day prior. Artemis sat up straight and tapped his pencil eagerly.

You know when you walk into a conversation between some acquaintances/friends, and you had no idea of what they were talking about, but when you start listening, it's something so raunchy that you say, "WHAT!" And then they tell you not to jump into conversations like that? Well, something similar to that happened to Artemis, except his teacher was talking to the class, instead of his acquaintances talking about something irrefutable.

"Edward I was put to death because of his homosexual acts. He was tortured for days before his death? You know how he was killed? His own government officials tortured him by taking a hot iron rod and shoving it up his ass! He died because his entrails melted together! THAT IS DISGUSTING! This is why we need to learn about our past mistakes, so that we don't make them again! JOHNNY! What did I just say!" The kilt-wearing, heavily bearded man pointed at a tired looking boy in the front of the class.

Johnny was not a good student. The school had labeled him "the rich, troubled kid" only because he smoked cigarettes behind the bike racks and beat up younger students. He had a blank face, as he tried to recall what his teacher had just told him.

"You said something about torture," He rubbed his eye. Mr. Monarski collected himself and wore a stern look on his face. Artemis nearly winced, knowing what was coming next.

"What did you learn from this?" Mr. Monarski asked sardonically. Johnny shifted his eyes.

"Not to be gay?" He guessed. Mr. Monarski slammed his hands down on the poor boy's desk and started screaming about selfish government systems and how they used their leaders. Something also about Edward I being a great leader, and how his own people slaughtered him because they didn't understand. After that, he made it a point that Johnny had used the word "gay" improperly. Artemis had heard the story before, and put his head back down.

A relatively handsome boy (adored both by girls and boys) smirked as he quietly crumpled up a piece of lined paper to throw at Artemis. He had always been jealous of Artemis, simply because he acted like he knew everything, even when he wasn't trying. This handsome boy's name was Kyle, only because all kids named Kyle are hot, I suppose. If you were to find an amnesiac, HANDSOME sixteen year old on your doorstep, who didn't know who he was, but could learn calculus and your language faster than normal humans could, and he loved to look up at the stars, and he also ate tea bags, you'd be forced to name him Kyle.

Anyhow, Kyle threw the ball of paper at Artemis' head, which was still laying on his desk. It lightly tapped Artemis, but did not wake him. Kyle was especially angry that the genius didn't become outraged, so Kyle decided to do something more efficient with his learning time, so he drew a picture of him holding an iron rod and Artemis laying on the ground. True, both boys looked like sticks, and it was kind of hard to distinguish between the rod to one's leg, but nevertheless, it pleased Kyle.

"KYLE! What are you drawing!" Mr. Monarski snatched the piece of paper away. His face went from flaming angry, to trying to understand what was going on.

"Oh, is this stick figure on the ground Edward I? And is this other figure the oppressive public at the time of Edward's rein?" Mr. Monarski asked, adjusting his vision by pulling his glasses down his nose. Kyle smiled sweetly and nodded. Mr. Monarski took the delicate picture and put it on the dry erase board with a magnet. No one could see the detail, but there really wasn't much to see. It was just two stick people, one who had a stick in hand.

(A random stick person pops out of nowhere and puts his straight arms into the air. "I'd prefer to be called "stick-American.")

A random boy, whom had similar characteristics to the author (even though she is mostly definitely not a boy, but for the sake of being in a boy's school, she somehow exchanged personality traits), raised his hand. Mr. Monarski called on him, hoping that he wouldn't say something stupid.

"Were you, by any chance, accused of being a CIA agent by the Mafia at some point in your life?" The boy asked randomly. Mr. Monarski puffed his chest out at the strange boy.

"We most certainly will not speak of that!" He yelled. Artemis groaned aloud. His teacher glared at the genius. Kyle rolled hid eyes. Here we go again, he thought.

Hopefully by now, you see that Artemis was not well liked by even his closest of companions, which were in fact a bunch of D and D obsessed adolescences who'd never seen a boob before (just trying to keep the general stereotype going).

But out of the hundreds of boys (and teachers) that attended (or worked at) St. Bartleby's, only one boy kept a personal vendetta to himself. His name was Capstan, and yes, that is a name I'd desire if I were a boy.

In any case, Capstan was not extraordinary in any way, other than the fact that he was completely obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. In fact, when Buffy Summers (or Sarah Michelle Gellar, as I prefer to refer to her) did a promo for MTV when LOTR had one a movie award, Capstan had started crying, not only because it was disturbing, but because his two favorite fandom had come together to live in harmony. Well, almost.

Capstan, after years of his wealthy parents soiling and spoiling him, he was a few pounds heavier than he should've been, and a little bit snottier than we'd all like to think of wealthy teenage boys with an accent, from another country. Capstan was not smart in any particular way. His best class was math, which in my book is almost abominable. His favorite album was St. Anger by Metallica, but he had to hide that one between his mattresses from his parents, because they only allowed him to listen to the space-like, casino enhanced performances of Yanni. Needless to say, Capstan didn't listen to his parents, and he never lifted a finger around the house, except for when he wanted to, which was never.

Why was Capstan the only boy to hide his anger for Artemis? Well, because he was planning something so diabolical that he'd get one shot to achieve it. That day was coming soon, like a late London train trying to make up for the lost five hours that they were delayed for no particular reason.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Butler was in the bushes outside of the dormitories of the school. No matter than the dormitories were three stories above the ground. Artemis had asked Butler to watch the other students in case they were constipating against him with some sort of assassins. Even if Artemis hadn't suggested it, Butler would've done it. Once he reached the window, he lifted himself into it. Several boys were on the floor playing cards before they had been rudely interrupted by a large ape breaking into their room. In Artemis' first year, Butler had caused much havoc doing this, but now it was just another day.

"Do you have any Jacks?" One boy asked, ignoring the cash Butler made on the floor as he threw himself through the window.

"Nope."

Butler searched the room aimlessly. He checked under the beds for bombs, or bomb making devices.

"Do you have any nine's?"

"Neh. Go fish."

Butler lifted up the posters of Toad Ball champions, punk music, and one of Keanu Reeves in the movie the Matrix. He found no bugs of any sort, not that it would matter though.

"Do you have any Spectra16's?"

"What the hell? That's not a suit in a typical deck of cards? WTF, man!" One boy smacked the other upside the head. Butler ignored this childish banter and swung his legs out of the window to climb to the next.

"Sorry for the interruption. Master Artemis wants me to make sure none of you are conspiring against him," Butler spoke formally and climbed away. The boys ignored Butler as he left.

"Have you any threes?"

-.-.-.-.-.-

"MULDER!" Angeline hissed. Her husband, Artemis Fowl Senior, sat up groggily in their dark bedroom. Artemis rubbed his eyes and moaned.

"What is it Angeline? There aren't creatures under your bed again, are there?" Artemis whined. Angeline slapped him.

"Wake up! This is no time for you antics, Mulder. My name is Scully! And there's been an alien sighting just down the road," Angeline was already out of bed and shaking his confused husband. He pulled away from her.

"Go back to bed," He groaned. Angeline pulled his hair.

"OW! STOP IT!" He hissed and threw his blanket form him.

"Fine, fine. We'll go look for the damn alien . . . _Scully_," He stumbled to walk from his deep sleep. Angeline had a flashlight in hand and was putting the light under her face, as if she was telling a ghost story. She was honestly having the time of her life.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Wow, that last part was pretty random. Sorry about that. It's just that I love it when Angeline is insane and Artemis is trying to understand her illness. It's just comical that way. And for those of you who are still reading, you guys are amazing.


	3. The OC Meets OOC

**Boyhood Rivalries**

By Spectra16 (Thinks Anderson Cooper is the sexiest man next to Conan O'brien)

I NEED YOU HELP EVERYONE! I hate the title. If you've got any ideas, lemme know.

A/N: In this chapter, Artemis acts really out of character. CRAZY. I haven't done this out of character stuff for like two years! It feels so weird. And . . . TOMORROW I'M GOING TO A HARRY AND THE POTTERS CONCERT! EEP! Well, by the time you read this, I'll have already seen it. I tend to not update my stories until I have chapters for the majority of them. Sorry.

Disclaimer: Since I will not longer be confessing that I don't own Artemis Fowl, I've decided to make my disclaimer spot an open forum. Today's topic: Thread! No, not like a forum thread. Just regular thread that you use to stitch and darn things. Is it wrong that my substitute/fencing coach, MR. MONARSKI (whom I so graciously gave a major part) darns my socks for me? I think it's kind of weird. But everything he does in this story (besides spazzing out and running to a councilor, that's the out-of-character factor) he has done in real life. He's the best teacher ever, honestly. I've got pictures of him and his glorious beard on my deviant art. My deviant name is Spectra16, if you wanted to check it out.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Three: The OC Meets the OOC (Not in any way related to Orange County)

Holly Short propped her feet up on her desk with her detective hat drawn down covering both of her eyes. While she was acting relatively cool for someone in the late 70s, early 80s, Mulch was noisily chewing on Sun Chips on the floor. He had "desk privileges", as Holly liked to call it. These privileges were to insure that Mulch would not chew on the desk legs, which he liked. It was a sort of honor system, he assumed.

Holly bounced a blue ball against the wall. It bounced back in a rhythmic beat. She was very bored.

"Hey, Mulch? Quick question. What was our last case about?" She asked, sounding semi-apathetic. Mulch rolled his eyes.

"We haven't had one yet," He muttered. Holly nodded.

"Oh yeah."

A few minutes went by, and Mulch could almost hear Holly's head thinking. That and the ball hitting the wall. This blue, miracle bouncy ball was called the Blue Comet and thousands had sold. It was the first children's toy to have anti-gravity enhancements.

"Why don't you think anyone's come to us for a case?" She asked innocently. Mulch rolled his eyes again.

"No one wants to take their chances with a renegade cop and an ex-theif. It would sound too cliché in daily conversation. I'm pretty sure that if I attended hoity-toity parties with punch and croquet, I wouldn't go around bragging to everyone that my investigators were shady folk. You know?" Mulch went back to shoveling food in his mouth. Once he realized he was being in character too much, he grabbed a Boca Burger and some green beans, and started to eat that instead.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis was currently programming Mario Bros. into his graphing calculator. This was how all of his calculus classes went. He currently had Metroid, The Hobbit, Castlevania, and Zelda on his calculator. He played these games during drafting. Calculus was a fun subject, but Artemis rarely paid much heed to his actual class, considering he knew everything the teacher had to say. His teacher, however, did not tolerate this sort of behavior, even though sometimes he let in slip for the lone fact that he needed to teach the other students, instead of wasting time on yelling at Artemis.

Mr. Weimer was his math teacher, and yes, he was a vampire, a werewolf, a game master, and had once been a guest on Star Trek Next Generation. Mr. Weimer also met William Hung (American Idol super star) at a Lord of the Rings role playing game competition. Of course, Hung wasn't there for LOTR, he was there for a Pokemon card championship just across the building. (This is all very true, by the way. My math teacher is Mr. Weimer, and everything besides the Star Trek thing is completely accurate.)

Artemis also found that Mr. Weimer best ignored him when he was wearing a garlic lay. (And I know lay isn't spelled that way! I just don't know Hawaiian. So sue me.) So he continued to program Mario Bros and hum a song he had heard in his dorm from another boy.

"Class, today is a free day. Just look at problem 27. I have a headache. There's a full moon tonight, so I'd rather not teacher class," Mr. Weimer clutched his forehead as he sat at his desk. The boys obeyed and opened their books to page 394. The random child who reflected many traits of the author of this story suddenly thought of Snape from the fourth Harry Potter movie, and then he giggled. This happened whenever the boy/the author saw the page number 394. For the fear of being labeled a crossover, we shall move on.

Capstan watched Artemis' lackadaisical behavior. Artemis was drawing a Van Halen symbol on his page 394. He seemed bored, even though he had skipped several grades. There were geniuses in the school, but none of them compared to Artemis. They're greatest talent was in one subject, while Artemis was good at everything. He was ambidextrous, he could beat any one at chess (poor, poor Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower would've had his hands full if he'd been alive when Artemis was), Artemis knew all sorts of useless history knowledge, was a master thief, and could move all of the colors to their own side on a rubix cube with one hand in under 30 seconds. If we only knew what he looked like besides the reoccurring, rather cliché lines of his icy blue eyes, raven black hair, and pale appearance, we could essentially label him a Gary Stu.

In fact, last year there was a census test distributed and it turns out that there are enough Artemis Fowl fan girls to fill 420 medium sized car trunks if the bodies are carefully positioned right. The census test also showed that the average American household has 76 drawers, one and a half lavatories, three Harry Potter books, six beat up copies of any random Chicago Times paper (or products made from the Chicago Times), six window fans, four televisions, one Lynard Skynard album (any), a box of staples, one episode (either bought or taped) of Walker Texas Ranger (or any other Chuck Norris show/movie), and enough dust to feed one American for twelve days. These are averages, of course.

But Artemis had already taken a Fractions and Statistics class. He decided to get up to get a tissue. Capstan's eyes never left Artemis' movements. It was almost like a bad OC/Artemis slash fic. Only Capstan didn't have crazy, hostile thoughts of Artemis in that way. Artemis blew his nose and threw the tissue in the garbage. He picked up another tissue (because sometimes one isn't enough), and Mr. Weimer exploded.

"SIT DOWN!" He screamed. Artemis' eyes bugged out, as did everyone else's.

"I'm just clearing my nasal cavities!" Artemis exclaimed, trying not to sound arrogant. Mr. Weimer crossed his arms and curled his face.

"_I'm just clearing my nasal cavities!_" He mocked in a squeaky, impressionistic voice. "DON'T YOU FLAP YOUR WHORISH MOUTH AT ME, WYATT!" Mr. Weimer yelled at Artemis. Artemis quirked an eyebrow and grabbed several tissues to sit down with. Mr. Weimer broke from his strange trance and went back to laying in his coffin, which he conveniently placed in the back of the classroom. Wouldn't being a werewolf _and _a vampire be horrible? You'd be all crazy at night, and then once a month, you'd get even more crazy! And if you bit someone, they'd be a vampire/werewolf too! Oh man, I just remembered Gary Oldman in Dracula. What a hottie. I mean, for being Sirius Black of course. (Author realizes she's still writing this down.) Uh . . . Sorry. I was typing out loud.

Artemis kept blowing his nose, but Weimer seemed to be angry that he was just standing up. Artemis rolled the tissue into a ball and threw it at the garbage. Capstan glared at Artemis, but tried to hide it. Artemis missed the first time. He rolled up another tissue and threw it again. It missed. Artemis groaned aloud for everyone to hear. He tipped back in his chair, balancing, looking around at the other students who were working. Out of spite for his out-of-characterness, he groaned again, but with words.

"When does class get out?"

"Shut up, Artemis! I'm trying to learn!" Clinton threw a piece of candy at Artemis' head. Artemis grimaced. (Has anyone noticed yet that I overly use the word "grimaced"? If there's a better word for the look of a grimace, let me know.) Artemis tipped on his chair still, until Mr. Weimer tip toed behind him and tipped his chair back farther, in which he fell backwards and bumped his head.

This brings me to another point. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. But Jack fell down and broke his crown. Why is that? Is he clumsy or just plain stupid? Did he break his crown while it was on his head? If so, he must've fell on his head. More importantly, if he has a crown, technically, he's royalty. Why is a royal man going up a hill for water? Doesn't he have servants or slaves or a wife to do that for him? Honestly. I can't imagine what idiots sit in a room and think of Aesope fables and Mother Goose rhymes. And who is this Mother Goose woman? Is she a goose? If so, how did she gain the intelligence to write and even THINK of rhymes? This all seems rather fishy to me. I think there's some sort of government conspiracy involved. In any case (has anyone noticed yet that I like to use the phrase "in any case"?), these thoughts and similar ones were going through his mind as he hit the floor.

"OW!" Artemis whined more than actually felt the need to say ow. Mr. Weimer grinned evilly and walked back to his coffin.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP AND DO YOUR WORK!" He yelled and he slammed the coffin door over himself. The students had all got up out of their seats to see Artemis laying on the floor. Capstan felt a slight tinge of satisfaction, which was very unlike everyone else who were absolutely ecstatic that their teacher hurt Artemis. Artemis stood up promptly and brushed himself off. He tugged on his uniform and strode out of the classroom.

-.-.-.-.-.-

For the sake of being out of character, Artemis lit a cigarette outside of the school. Usually, there were off duty teachers that guarded the doors to make sure no one was coming in or out. In the St. Bartleby's pamphlet, it had stated that the school had personnel security without locks on the doors or ruddy metal detectors. Frankly, the dean was too lazy to order these things, and teachers worked just as well. The only reason why Artemis was able to escape was because he could astound and confound the teachers into insanity. Usually, that gave him a grand total of 30 minutes before Dr. Po would find out it was Artemis who'd driven the teacher crazy.

Artemis didn't care that smoking was highly unhealthy for himself or others. And because of his already introduced Gary Stu-ness, he wasn't addicted to cigarettes. He only smoked one when he was most stressed and when he wanted one. No one knew he smoked except for the fan girls that find that sort of thing attractive. For those fan girls who think smoking is atrocious, they knew that Artemis knew better than to endanger his health. Right?

Butler jumped from the ledge he'd been perched on, and landed right behind Artemis. Artemis spun around, dropping the cigarette and stepping on it so that Butler wouldn't know.

"hello, Butler," said artemis who- DAMMIT! My caps lock is stuck! No! even when I push the shift down it won't go back! The hell! HELP! Oh. Okay, everything alright now. I had to go to font. Somehow, ALL CAPS was on. Idiot computer. Anyways, continuing.

"Artemis, why do you smell like smoke?" Butler asked obviously. Artemis blanched. He pulled an innocent looking face out of his ass.

"What? I don't smell anything!" Artemis shuddered, hoping Butler wouldn't find out. Butler starred at Artemis dumbly.

"Alright, Artemis. I trust you," Butler's head jerked to the side, seeing that there was a black car driving up the road to the school. Artemis looked as well, but when he looked back at Butler, he was gone. Artemis blanched again and watched the characters that came out of the car. It was a girl, surprisingly, and the dean, and another man. Artemis hid in a bush and watched them as they walked into the school. The girl was wearing a school uniform. Artemis' eyebrows crossed, wondering why a girl was coming to a boy's school.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: YES! MUHAHAHA! SARCASTIC CLICHES ABUNDANT! Oh yeah, my teacher Mr. Monarski is crazy. And Mr. Weimer too. If any one has good crazy teacher stories, I really want to hear them and add them in this story! I mean, if you don't want me to use them in this, that's fine. I just want to hear them. Please. Cheers.


	4. A Mary Sue In An All Boys School

**Boyhood Rivalries (Now called Beautiful. Smart. Entropy. See chapter six. Oh wait, it's not updated yet.)**

By Spectra16 (Secrecy is my middle name. Right after Danger, Trouble, and Charisma.)

A/N: UGH. I've been waiting my whole life to write a story making fun of cliches, teachers, and Mary Sues. This is like a dream come true. And on another note, I'm going to add everything that the challenge guidelines had for examples, just for fun. "Briar the serial killer" just appeals to me for some reason.

Disclaimer: UH. Hey, does anyone out there have AIM? I wanna find an argumentative AIM bot that I can fight with. Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be disclaiming something. I DON'T OWN FOWL. But I do have a rhubarb pie. Which might be just as good, if not better. Let's look at this carefully. Artemis is this teenage, snot of a genius who has fairy resources. Rhubarb pie tastes really good, and looks good too. So which is better? Being annoyed by intelligence or eating yummy things? Then again, rhubarb pie in the face sucks, because it's so messy. Artemis in your face isn't really messy, just highly inconvenient. And squeaky.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Who wants to be a beta reader for my AF/HP/SOUE crossover! Come on! I know you want to! Please? PLEASE!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Four: A Mary Sue In An All-Boys' School (Figures!)

All of the students and teachers in St. Bartleby's were herded or hoarded into the auditorium to meet their newest FEMALE classmate. Unlike most of the boys, she wore a short shirt with knee high school spirit socks. Her hair was blonde and her eyes a deep blue. She was perky and rather sugar high looking. Her head bobbed to some non existent music that was playing in her head. Specifically, she was listening to some Ashley Simpson music Nick Lachey. That's only if you want to get technical though. She twirled her hair as she sat on a chair on the stage. Principal Guiney walked up to the podium and cleared his throat in the mic.

"Hello school," He started. He always addressed everyone as "school". "Today, we have a very special case from America. Her name is Dani California, and yes, that is a Red Hot Chili Pepper's song. She is new here, so I expect you all to be polite. She is also a girl in an all-boy's school, so you will treat her like another boy. That is all," He walked off the stage and left everyone in awkward silence. Dani walked up the podium and giggled.

"I'm very happy to be here! I hope everyone will be my friend! And I like school! I hope no one minds if I have a cell phone, a LSD plasma screen TV, a laptop computer, a moped," Dani continued to name off everything her rich parents had bought her. She managed to wink at every boy in the room during her speech. The only boy who hadn't noticed was Artemis, whom was busy holding a pencil between his upper lip and nose without the use of his hands. He couldn't keep it there for more than 7 seconds without it falling, because the boy next to him kept batting it away. His name was Carter, who secretly liked other boys, Artemis for one. For lack of wanting to develop yet another character, we'll never speak of him again unless I need some sort of drama between Dani (who will obviously have to fall in love with Artemis) and Carter (who already loves Artemis). I hope boredom won't bring me to this, but you might as well look forward to it.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Briar Cudgeon was not a stable man. Or fairy. Or pixie. Whatever he was.

On most days, he'd retreat to a corner of Opal's bat cave. She usually did most of the technical work. Briar was only there for the intrigue of field work. And even then, he was a loose canon. Sometimes he would do things to make Opal scream. Things like poke around his eye with a fork, and then put a creamer and dribble the contents down his face and scream, as if he'd poked his eye out. Opal, of course, was fooled by all of his tricks. He also liked to make her squeal by eating bugs and live kittens.

This was not one of those days. Unfortunately, somehow, overnight, Briar Cudgeon began to realize his feelings for the beautiful pixie. Of course, Opal Koboi was pretty and diabolical (which Briar liked), but he'd never thought about it before. Her eyes, her hair, everything appealed to Briar. And now, instead of trying to get her attention in an obnoxious way, he ogled at her 24/7 and played some pretty lame pick up lines.

"Was you father a thief? Because he stole the stars in the skies and stuck them in your eyes," Briar looked at her as she hacked, starry eyed. Opal immediately stopped tapping at the keys. She sort of starred the screen for a little longer and then slowly turned her head to him. She looked at him stoically.

"Are you making fun of me?" She asked quickly. Briar stood up straight.

"No! No."

"Because if you are, I will make your life a living hell, bitch!" Opal screamed. Her scream echoed through the cave, and two of her thugs didn't turn to her as they heard it. They continued to watch American television. Cudgeon flinched as Opal came over to smack him upside the head. The TV volume was loud. All of this happened at the same time.

"America's Got Talent! Really! We do! This show is nothing like American Idol! Mostly because the judges are Brandi, the teen idol who lasted three years, David Hasselhoff, the guy who runs really slow on Baywatch, and Spectra16, that mean guy from Hell's Kitchen!"

"Don't hurt me!" Briar screamed.

"I need to go to the WC," One thug said as he walked away from the couch he sat at. The other thug nestled in and watched the TV intently.

"I'LL EAT YOUR LIVER!" Opal screamed and chased Briar around with a pick ax.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Dani California was obviously in every one of Artemis' classes. She smiled at him and winked occasionally, but she made it a habit to do that to everyone. Although, no one on this earth could've been more in luff with her than Capstan was.

"Do you want to me carry your books for you? Would you like me to escort you to the ladies room? Oh yeah, we don't have a ladies room in an ALL BOYS SCHOOL. Dear me, what made me yell that last part?" Capstan wondered aloud. Dani flashed a smile at him.

"Oh Cap, you're so cute. Would you mind doing my homework tonight? I'm going to be busy talking on my cell phone and instant messaging dirty old men I met on Myspace," She used her pouty eyes on Capstan.

I don't know if you know this, but the pouty eyes of a Mary Sue are the most deadly of all powers in the entire universe. Vogon poetry readings come right after that, but that's not important right now. Anyways, all men are susceptible to the pout of a Mary Sue. Even the most strong willed men cannot resist a beautiful girl pouting at them. And usually, the girl knows that she has such power. And she uses it on purpose. If any guys are reading this, please know that when a girl uses her pouty eyes, she knows that you will bend to her will. She's not just doing it to be cute. She knows that you are putty in her hands! DO NOT BOW DOWN TO THEIR POWER! RESIST IT! THEY'RE JUST USING YOU TO GET IN YOUR PANTS.

Anyways, there was only one boy in the school that found a way to resist the irresistible pouty eyes of a beautiful Mary Sue. And yes, it was out protagonist/antagonist, Artemis Fowl. He used the same mirrored sunglasses that he's used several times. Apparently, we should all go out and buy some.

Dani California was confused. The one guy that she liked best was not entranced by her. Oh irony. At least she had Capstan to obey her every word. And anyways, there were plenty of cute, puff guys that could obey her and join her zombie Mary Sue army.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Young male! There is no reason to where sunglasses inside! Please remove them or I will do it for you!" Mr. Monarski pointed at Artemis. Dani giggled.

"Hehe! You said 'do it'!" She squealed. Artemis groaned and pulled off the sunglasses and told himself not to look over at anything, like a fairy or a Mary Sue. They were both equally deadly. Artemis sighed loudly.

"When is this class out?" He muttered to no one. Mr. Monarski continued with his lesson.

"Now, since we learned about The Code of Hammurabi, we will be taking a little field trip to the library, because written stuff is important," Mr. Monarski then promptly grabbed his Scottish cloak and stormed out, not bothering to see if the students followed him. Artemis quirked an eyebrow and went back to throwing pencils up at the ceiling. The other students went back to trying to get Dani's attention.

"I have muscles!" One boy bragged.

"I have a car! Actually, I have two Cameros and a Benz. My rich parents bought them for me."

"I'm in a punk band. We play a lot of Pennywise and NOFX."

"I can burp the alphabet backwards!"

"I can play the accordion," A boy named Duncan mentioned.

"Freakin' naughty! Naughty freak!"

"I'm the Phantom of the Opera."

"I'm Remus Lupin and I'm a bookishly hot guy."

"I'll buy you something expensive every day!"

"You can have my virginity and give me any disease you probably have!"

"I'm a jerk and that's a good reason to sleep with me."

"I'm emo and I kiss boys for money. Go out with me."

"Hi. I'm Gerard. I'm a saucy 28 year old. Would you like to butter my muffin?"

Artemis threw his hands up into the air and stormed out to find something to do with his free time that was more useful than listening to boys try to impress the empress.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Angeline was not a stable woman. Or megalomaniac. Or wife for that matter.

Artemis Senior was slowly loosing his intelligence and sanity just sitting in a room with her. He'd tried so hard for the past year to help her out of her occasional lapses in judgment. Sometimes, she was perfectly normal. And sometimes, she was someone else entirely.

"ARTY!" She screeched. Senior came running into the kitchen where she sat alone.

"What, what?" He asked, looking her over.

"Where the hell were you!" She screamed. Juliet peeked over the counter, from the place that she ducked as Angeline screamed.

"Just in the other room, honey! Calm down," Artemis breathed again. Angeline's expression changed again. She looked confidant and stern.

"Mulder, we have no time for chit chat! We need to find the Roswell documents before the Blue Man Group does! Hurry!" She stood up and ran out the door. Artemis Senior pouted and sulked as he followed her. He sometimes wondered how Angeline made crop circles. Actually, he wondered when she had the time. He was usually with her all day long, unless she got up at night and made then. He shrugged and followed her. Juliet, seeing that the only adults in the house were gone, went directly to the TV and watched some dirty music videos while she had the time.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Gym. PE. Physical education. Hell, as Artemis called it. But that was when he was in character, or at least, what fans would assume since Eoin Colfer made it a point that Artemis was scrawny and not physically physical. When out of character, PE was quite easy to withstand. He wasn't the most active boy in the bunch, but he could handle running and precision sports. Which basically meant that Artemis could handle golfing, tennis, ping pong, and volleyball.

And today was dodge ball day.

Luckily, Dani was so scantily clad that most of the more athletic boys were ogling at her thighs instead of pulverizing the lesser athletic kids. Artemis was standing up against a wall when he heard something that made him gag.

"I'm sorry boys! I can't be on both teams! You'll just have to wait your turn!" She chirped. Artemis groaned again.

"UGH! Permission to cut my face off?" Artemis rambled.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: What? Have three people reviewed this? INSERT GROAN HERE. Well, I love you guys. Thanks for reading. If anyone has a funny idea, please let me know. I'm always open to suggestions. And yes, you may suggest that I get a life. I'm keeping track of those. If anyone wants to read a really good story, read His Son's Father by the White Lily. It's an amazing story. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought that Eoin Colfer was running around under that pen name and posting it on factory fudge nuts. And plus, she replies ALL of her reviews! AMAZING. I unfortunately only reply the ones with questions or the really long ones. I couldn't imagine replying to the ones that are like "gr8 story! Pleez update!" I wonder if she gets ones like that. . .

Peace.


	5. Some Weird Stuff Happens

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (I kill you with my bald head!-Conan O'brien)

A/N: Pardon the incessant randomness, but it's only going to get worse. Also pardon the random references to Mystery Science Theater. I've been recently brainwashing myself with MST3K movies for the last few months, and more so in the last week. If you have no idea of what I am talking about, please investigate Mystery Science Theater 3000, and you won't know sadness ever again in your life. I've also been smothering myself with late night comedy (Conan) and ridiculous music like Miss Jackson by Outkast and Badly Drawn Boy. If this reflects in my writing (it will), I am not responsible for your health. You are reading this on your own accord and you have been warned.

Disclaimer: I STILL NEED A NEW TITLE DAMMIT!

-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Five: Some Weird Stuff Happens (and then Some More Stuff That Hasn't Any Plot Development) (And then stuff that Suggests Conspicuous Plot Development)

Angeline Fowl was not a well woman.

But I think we already talked about this.

But since then, Angeline had gotten worse. And Artemis Senior was only about to find out why.

"MOO!" Angeline groaned, walking on all fours and wearing a cow bell around her neck. Artemis Senior, too astonished to do anything, just starred at her as she tried eating the carpet. His blank stare was all too afraid, and Angeline kept chewing.

"Mooo," She groaned again, imitating a real cow. Artemis, snapping out of his daze, led Angeline to her bed and sat her in it. She wouldn't get out of her all-fours state, so he pushed her over on her side lightly. She began frantically mooing and trying to flip herself back over without the use of her joints or thumbs. **No, this wasn't the first time that Artemis Senior had cow tipped. **

As he walked out of the room, a strange though came over him like a pinprick to the head. _Aliens abduct cows and humans for experiments, correct? I'm sure that has nothing to do with Angeline's sanity. . ._

-.-.-.-.-

Dani wore her shirt buttoned low and her skirt pulled up high. It was the right thing to do in an all boy's school, after all. Even the teachers had suggested it. It came to Artemis as a great annoyance that DanI felt the Dire need to sit next to him in every class. After all, who couldn't be attracted to a thin, pale, raven haired, icy blue eyed genius who had more gold than Bill Gates. Not that Bill Gates was anything special, other than the fact that he has a radio signal going through out brains, telling us to give him out money on hand and foot.

In any case, Artemis did try his best to ignore Dani, but how could you ignore such a beautiful, scantily clad girl sitting right next to you. Artemis would occasionally glance at her, but she caught him several times, and he quickly looked away. It happened again. Artemis blushed and pretended to write.

"Hey, Artemis. Wanna go have sex sometime?" She asked in sultry. Artemis cleared his throat.

"Ihm, no," He answered quickly, his voice cracking. Dani smiled.

"You're so cute!" She ruffled his hair. Artemis' eyes bugged out. He turned to her slowly and with a glazed over look, told her to knock that shit off.

Capstan was obviously watching this unfold, and feeling extreme jealousy. He knew Artemis was stealing Dani away from him, and he hated it. Capstan was fuming so loudly that the psychic boy in the back of the class walked up to Capstan to stop him. The psychic boy patted Capstan on the shoulder.

"Calm down, you're clouding up my brain," He spoke and moved back. Capstan ignored Friederick and continued to glare at Artemis. Artemis did try his best not to lose his cool as Dani continued to touch his hair. He hoped that eventually the teacher would notice and stop her. Or maybe Butler would show up.

-.-.-.-.-

Butler, whom has an alert signal when someone is touching Artemis, did not answer the call only because he knew that it was Dani, and only because he was busy at the moment. Although I'd rather not go into detail, Butler was busily singing to Bon Jovi songs wearing only briefs, singing into a rolled up copy of Guns and Ammo that he found under a boy's bed. He really didn't care that he was in a random dorm room, or that someone could come in at any moment. He flaunted this fact with sporadic pelvic thrusts and imitating Jon Bon Jovi's voice.

One of the boys that resided in the very dorm room Butler was dancing in was Atticus Finch. Atticus secretly listened to very loud opera music while he walked down to the halls and to his room. He liked to skip this hour, which for him was Law Basics. His iPod was blasted on high while he listened to Pavarotti and hummed with. He put the key in the door, only to find that it was already open.

_Dammit, Gregor! Why can't you close the damn door? How stupid do you have to be to get in this school?_

Atticus pushed open the door to find a mentally scarring sight.

Apparently, Butler had made a campfire of a giant pile of Penthouse magazines (all of which belonged to Gregor), and was dancing quite crudely around it, singing something about bad medicine. Atticus' mouth hung open for several moments, Butler not noticing the boy in the doorway. Atticus thought through this.

_Okay, Artemis' crazy bodyguard (appropriately named Butler) is dancing stark nude (Well, almost. Close enough.) in my dorm room and doing to the pelvic thrust. . . Okay. And he's singing. Badly, might I add. _

Atticus put a finger in his mouth and stuck it in the air.

_No wind movement. Temperature normal. Smells like dirty socks in here. The Spectra16 is average. Everything is normal. Except for that._

Atticus ran from the dorm room to call the proper authorities.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Capstan drew psychotic Ring drawings in his 70 page spiral notebook. His possessed look usually gave it away that he was a little off. Artemis had no idea, simply because he didn't pay attention to much of anything.

Drawing her attention from Artemis, Dani frowned at Capstan.

"What are you doing?" She hissed. Capstan's gaze was boring a dime sized hole into the head of the student in front of him and he did not answer her. The student turned around, frowning at Capstan and shook his head, not approving. Capstan broke from his trance and looked back at Artemis, who was back to square one with his pencil balancing. This was every history class since Artemis was seven.

A boy named Frank raised his hand enthusiastically after peering over Capstan's desk to see his drawing. Mr. Monarski called on the boy and he started talking in a rather squeaky voice.

"Capstan is drawing demented pictures of swirling vortexes of doom! Can I use the bathroom?" He asked. Mr. Monarski blinked at him and music swelled behind him as the mood was laid on thick. Mr. Monarski breathed heavily and starred at Frank. Frank, shocked by the moment, was too afraid to breath. The rest of the students were afraid of what would happen next.

Everything seemed to stop.

Except for Artemis, whom realized what was going on, and promptly shouted "WTF?" No one heard Artemis. Suddenly, peace was restored.

"Yes. You may use the bathroom, but if you don't come back in five minutes, I will send the retrieval squad after you. Oh, and take the auxiliary hall pass," Mr. Monarski pointed to a tag that read "wash closet pass" which was attached to a cast iron heater that was pulled out of the wall. (I feel bad. I stole this from Invader Zim.)

Frank stood up and dragged the large heater along with him as he went to the WC. Which every drag came a deafening screech from iron dragging on the floor. It would've went ignored, but the sound was dreadful. Unfortunately, Frank had to pass several classrooms before his destination was met.

"Now class, tomorrow is Valentine's day, and we will be celebrating it this year, since we have a girl in our school," Mr. Monarski grumbled. Some boys stood up and cheered. Some cried. Some, like Artemis, continued to balance pencils in their lips.

-.-.-.-.-

Artemis was casually sitting in the hallway of St. Bartleby's (because there's only one hallway . . . And that's too HELL! singing I'm on a hallway to hell! Oh sorry. I forgot quoting AC/DC lyrics on this site is damnable. Hell, it's damnable anywhere.), not doing anything. He sighed occasionally and kicked at the floor with his designer trainers (eh?) and chewing some chewing gum. For no particular reason at all, including no reason that the author might have for plot development, Artemis just stood there waiting for someone or something. (Author pays five cents to guy who first wrote that line.)

Suddenly, birds started singing and a sun beam came down on the girl known as Dani who goes to an all-boy's school. The wind blew her hair and gently raised her skirt. She flipped her hair and strutted to Artemis. He hadn't really noticed until she ran into him and started attacking him with hugs of death.

"HI ARTY!" She screeched. Artemis gasped for air, not being able to break free of her grip. She let go of him and he collapsed to the floor. She didn't seem to notice that he was on the ground, near death.

"Artemis, I have something to tell you!" She announced frantically. He was still gasping on his knees.

"I was abused as a child!" She yelled. No one else would've heard her, for everyone else was tucked in their beds near sleeping. Artemis wondered what she was blabbing on about, but he managed to stand to his feet at this point. She hugged him around the waist and started crying.

"My uncle Joe touched me!" She started weeping incessantly. Artemis was almost paying attention now. He would've been listening if he wasn't busily trying to figure out how to escape her.

"And I'm really a spy sent to arrest you! But then I fell in love!" Dani exclaimed dramatically. Artemis, given up on escaping, rolled his eyes at this feeling of deja vue.

"And I'm half elf!" She yelled randomly. Artemis sighed deeply.

"And I'm royalty from a far away country but I was adopted!"

Artemis was now completely bored with her overly dramatic revelations.

"And I'm psychic and telekinetic and posses fairy magic!"

Artemis checked his watch to see what time it was. He estimated another 40 minutes of this would take care of everything.

"And I'm a master thief in trouble with Interpol and I need your help!"

Artemis yawned.

"And my real name is Sakura Nipone! And I think I love you!"

Artemis started to read a magazine he had with him.

"My house burned down and my parents died! And I'm a bartender in my free time! And I can speak ten languages! And I had sex with Jack Sparrow! And I'm Holly's half-sister!" She kept going, if that's possible. Artemis, somehow, in the midst of her ranting, escaped and started running down the hall. For some reason, Dani didn't notice, so he ran faster.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Briar swung slowly from the ceiling, tied by his big toe. This was not the worst part about this punishment. He was naked. And the last thing he ate was a Snack Wrap from McDonalds. Opal had just stopped laughing evilly from her evil chair, which is why I chose to cut scene now, in case she starts laughing again. Honestly, it is one of the most annoying evil laughs in the history of evil laughter. The classic, works-every-time evil laugh that everyone should use (but is becoming more and more cliché) is MUHAHAHAHAHAHA. Some choose to use the BWAHAHAHAHAHA (like Dracula and Scooby-Doo villains) laugh. Others like MWAHAHAHA which isn't much different from MUHAHAHAHA. Some psycho evil guys use BWAHAHAHAHA. They're creepy though.

But Opal's signature evil laugh was gulp . . . NYEHAHAHAHA. Honestly, who starts their evil laugh with NYE? That's just sick. At least she doesn't laugh like my uncle. I can't even write this laugh into words or syllables. Nor do I wish to.

Anyhow, Opal's sick pleasures were finally dying down when she received an e-mail that interested her. She smirked evilly as she opened it. It was from Foaly, who'd found her e-mail address in a LOTR fan girl forum. But he'd never tell her that.

Dear bitch-err Opal Koboi,

You smell.

From Foaly

P.S.- You can't 1337 5934k worth a shit! Hugs and kisses.

Opal rose an eyebrow and replied.

Dear ass (Because that's what you are. I'm so witty.),

You smell like ass.

From the most attractive pixie known to humanity and no half breed Mary Sue can take that away.

P.S.- You're an ass. Haha.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: My God, I'm a monster! I've become a preachy little bitch! My apologies. I had considerable amounts of help with this chapter when I was listing off the things that Dani was/could do. I was searching for my penname one day when I came across a Mary Sue site. I was considerably pissed when I saw one of my fics was on the bashing list, but honestly, I deserved it. Anyways, I looked through the archives and found some hilarious stuff. The things I listed in this story were all stories I found on this site, including my own. Yes! Ghastly!

Hey, does anyone here know Rhianna's address? I wanna send her hate mail for singing the worst song EVER.


	6. Valentine's Day!

**Boyhood Rivalries (Which Shall Now Be Called 'Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.')**

By Spectra16 (I am your Optimus Prime of Music!)

A/N: No comment.

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. And while I'm at it, I do not own a non-bias opinion of the most important things, I do not own a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook, I do not own any bottles of cans of Pepsi, I do not own a sack of potatoes, I do not own my own cattle, I do not own any currency that means anything except a thought, I do not own any broken bones, I do not own the empty souls of the people I write about, I do not own any Neosporin (but some would be appreciated), I do not own a rhubarb pie, I do not own wishes, and I do not own anyone's soul (they're all too afraid to sell it to me), and I do not own a box of Valentines. I threw out the empty 'I love you's and ate the candy. I repressed the memories and took the next step into the journey that I'd once forgot about.

And without further ado.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Six: Valentine's Day

"Get these mother fucking snakes off my mother fucking plane? What is this?" Dani asked crossly, reading each Valentine she got which was a pile on her desk and most fell off onto the floor. Since she was the only girl in the school, not to mention most attractive girl in the school (?), roughly 1,204 boys (out of 1,200) gave her a Valentine.

Mr. Monarski was angrily tapping his foot, waiting for Princess (a name that he never called her to her face) to finish reading the letters.

"It's my favorite movie line. Wanna make out sometime?" A boy replied to her question. Dani threw his letter in a bonfire that Capstan had graciously kept going for the past ten minutes. For the sake of Factory Fudge Nuts Physics, the smoke was transported to a room where Jack Sparrow fan girls were kept, in which there were no doors or windows.

Artemis watched the flames and it reminded him of fan fiction in some way. He starred at it longingly, since fire was a very strange thing to watch. It was many different colors, it smelled funny, and most importantly of all, it destroyed things. Artemis was beginning to think he was a pyromaniac (just one more thing to put on his list of "aniac" traits) when he looked up at Carter, the boy who openly expressed love for Artemis from earlier in the story.

"Here you go," Carter said meekly and handed Artemis a tiny, very thought out piece of parchment. Artemis snatched it and opened it. There was a badly drawn heart and two sentences.

"I don't care if you kidnap fairies and hold them for ransom. It sounds kind of hot."

Artemis looked up from the letter. He smiled politely.

"As much as the fan girls would enjoy me having AF/OC slash sex, I'm not looking for a relationship right now," Artemis looked apologetic. Carter nodded, looking a little pitiful. Dani squealed, overhearing such conversation.

"That's because you like me, isn't it Artemis!" She assumed. Artemis started shaking in intense fear and slowly turned his head around with widened eyes.

"Stay away from me," He whispered gravely. Dani's lip trembled for a few moments. At first, Artemis thought she was going to implode. Any person about to implode would look like Dani with such news. Artemis watched her, actually believing that she was about to blow up into herself. She started a quivering pouty look.

Artemis quickly pulled out his shades and continued watching her. The other boys were all entranced by the pouty lip.

A few more awkward and long moments went by before she screamed, which caused windows to break and some weaker students to go deaf, dumb, and blind. She started crying and wailing when she ran out of the room and down the halls. This usually happened on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the new windows had been installed just yesterday.

Once her screaming was no longer heard, Mr. Monarski opened his eyes and took his hands off of his ears. He found some students drooling on the floor, with glazed looks on their faces. Some students had closed their eyes and ears as well, and they seemed to be fine. He straightened himself and put his nose in the air.

"Well, now that we haven't any more interruptions, let's continue with our school work, shall we?" He asked rhetorically. Capstan stood up and stormed past Artemis.

"Look what you've done? You've angered the misses," Capstan breathed and stormed out of the classroom after Dani. Artemis couldn't have cared less.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Capstan found DanI in the hallway, sitting on the floor with her knees to her cheeks. Her red face was covered in tears, but she was sobbing no longer. Capstan sat next to her and put his arm around her.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"_No!_" DanI replied obviously. Capstan stayed silent for a while.

"Why doesn't Artemis like me? Am I not pretty enough? Don't I have enough money to be called an aristocrat? Don't I have enough cleavage hanging out of my unbuttoned school uniform?" She asked sadly. Capstan shook his head.

"It probably has something to do with him liking a girl for her mind and personality, or something like that," Capstan said absent-mindedly. Dani, hearing this, bolted up and ran away from him. Capstan called after her.

"Or it could be that whole thing about Artemis not wanting to fall in love but just wanting to reproduce in order to have an heir! That's incredibly cliché and likely!" He yelled down the hall. Dani was no where to be seen. Capstan frowned and went back to his class.

He was in the doorway of the class when her heard the disgruntled teacher yell something quite disturbing.

"HOW DARE YOU ASK ME IF I WEAR UNDERWEAR UNDER MY KILT! And it's not a skirt!"

-.-.-.-.-.-

Angeline looked up. The cut scene took her off guard. She turned to Artemis Senior.

"Give me your flashlight, Mulder. It's dark in here," She hissed. Artemis rubbed his sleepy eyes, cranky.

"Of course it's bloody dark in here! There's no windows in the attic! What are we doing in here again?" He asked, annoyed thoroughly. Angeline lightly hit him on his head.

"This is the place where I can vaguely remember the aliens doing experiments on my body. They had probes. . . _ANAL _probes, Mulder. They are dangerous. They think our planet is their petri dish!" Angeline climbed up, shining the flashlight on the contents of the Fowl attic. Artemis nearly fell asleep on the stairs. Angeline already climbed up and was searching the area.

"COME ON MULDER!" She screamed. Artemis, sluggishly, dragged himself up. He slapped himself a few times to stay awake.

"Look at this!" She whispered loudly and threw off a sheet from a couch. "I remember this. . ."

"That's because we put it up here like a month ago when we got the new-," Angeline cut him off.

"Did you hear that?" She asked. Artemis rolled his eyes and shut up. After a few moments, he did hear something that sounded a lot like mice playing and running around the area. "I think it's coming from over here." She pointed to the back, pushing cobwebs away to make a path. Artemis kept clear of the walls, hating spiders. Angeline pointed the flashlight in front of her. Eerie piano music played in the background. She saw movements from behind a box. Two silver, sparkling balls were bobbing around, as if they were on long springs, which was attached to a headband, in which someone would wear. Angeline, her heart pounding harder than ever, peeked around the box, and something quite frightful popped out.

"BOO!" A girl screamed. Angeline flew back in slow motion, screaming.

"E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E K K K!"

Artemis' mind sprung awake to see what she had screamed at. Sure enough, there was an alien with the headband on her head. Although, for an alien, she did look like a human. An American human, but the looks of her clothing. An American human living in the Fowl attic. Horrifying. Artemis Senior didn't scream though. He wasn't shocked at all. In fact, he was barely awake. He sort of starred at her for a long time.

"Hi alien," He said and outreached his hand. The girl looked at his hand and bent over to inspect it. She touched it, smelled it, tried listening to it, tasted it, and then bit his finger. He screamed, and she ran off. Angeline was passed out on the floor of shock. The now self-inserted alien version of Spectra16 took off.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: That's it. Regardless of ideas or not, this title is changing TONIGHT! Anything is better than Boyhood Rivalries. ANYTHING! I could called it Mary Sue in an All-Boys School (which might I add has been used more than enough times) and it would be better! ARGH! I HATE IT! How about . . . (thinks for three hours) Trouble of St. Bartleby's? Wow. That sucks. I've never had much trouble on a story title before. Usually, that comes to mind first, not last. How about "The Puppy Who Liked Being Lost"? Eh? It's got a nice ring to it. I want something really random. Impressionable Public? I like that. Yes. I think that shall be it. Alas, I might change it again for spite of my existence, but we'll wait for that when it comes. Or 'Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.'? I like that. I think that'll be it. Beautiful. Smart. Entropy. raises glass Viva la Fowl.


	7. Uprooted

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Life, Liberty, and Being on the Run)

A/N: looks up Ah. There you are. I'd like to welcome you all to my story. I'll have you know that I just finished watching The Manchurian Candidate (Denzel-ified) and that I'm writing a PotO rock version, and if you've got ideas, PLEASE tell me. Need help. SOS. I'm sick of A.L. Webber butchering half decent musicals (I'm not much of a musical fan myself). I'd also like everyone to know that I appreciate your reviews. And also, I promote anything Cobalt Violet writes. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, I don't own the teachers, and I don't own the credentials I sometimes brag about. I don't own the reference to the Bloodhound Gang, which I can't stand anymore, but liked at one point. Shame on me, I know.

Apology: The beginning of this chapter is a tad bit preachy. The middle is a tad bit script-y. The end is a tad bit rude to Root and Root fans.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Seven: Up-rooted

Root was sitting in his desk. The fact alone that he was alive was out-of-character enough. He tapped his foot impatiently, not smoking a fungus cigar of any sort. In the fairy world, Cubans were not the master makers of fungus cigars. America fairies were. This was so surprise of course. America has more fungus than any country that manufactures cigars.

Faoly trotted into Root's office. Sool was tied up in a closet somewhere in Mexico (if any of you were wondering). Foaly cleared his throat.

"We have a situation, Root," He spoke harshly. Root, feeling that Foaly was up to something, by the nature of his voice, studied Foaly's expressions.

"Out with it, you nose-picking, cake-sniffing, pothead," Root insulted him without being annoyed first. Foaly rose an eyebrow.

"Did you just insult me with personality traits of the author of this fan fiction?" Foaly asked, utterly confused. Root nodded. Foaly shrugged and continued.

"I think Artemis Fowl is up to something!" Foaly announced sternly. Root put out his cigar on his thigh.

"Explain."

"Well, I was using our thing that listens in on calls of evil doers before they do evil. And in one of Artemis' calls and he said the words "LEP", "Holly", "Root", "gold", "Foaly", "Mulch", "kill", "bomb", "beetroot", "blue-rinse", "fairy", "technology", "Butler", "is", "a", "ho", "at least", "I", "have", "chicken", and "love". This is most concerning," Foaly spoke with utter seriousness. Root was almost confused by his lack of paranoia and silliness. Root quirked an eyebrow.

"Can I see the records of his conversation? And who's he speaking with?"

"His mother . . . I think," Foaly admitted and handed him a blue orb. The orb had the conversation recorded onto it, and at the press of a button, Artemis' sly voice was muttering to himself while a the other phone rang.

(For the sake of convenience, I will go back to my sinful roots and speak in script text.)

Artemis: still ringing Come on. Pick up the damn phone. singing Welcome to the solider side, where's there's no one here but me. . .

Angeline: Hello?

Artemis: Hello mother dear.

Angeline: Hi Arty. What's up?

Artemis: I have a question.

Angeline: Hmm?

Artemis: What's a word that rhymes with vagina?

Angeline: Oh, don't be silly Artemis. How are you?

Artemis: How about lima?

Angeline: South Carolina.

Artemis: Mo' fina'?

Angeline: No Artemis. That isn't a word.

Artemis: LEPrechauns rule.

Angeline: I met one the other day.

Artemis: I bet.

Angeline: Oh Artemis! I found some holly hocks in the backyard today. I didn't even know I planted them.

Artemis: Did you pull out the roots?

Angeline: Hell yes. Hey, we got a new pool boy today. His name is Foaly. What a dumb name. But he's cute though. Remember what you used to do with Casey when you were little?

Artemis: Don't ever bring that up again.

Angeline: Right Artemis. I haven't told anyone at your father and my dinner parties. Nope.

Artemis: Are you doing anymore yard work today?

Angeline: Yeah. I've got to mulch the central part of the garden. And then I have to clean the kitchen today. I bought some new Blue-rinse cleaner. I'm gonna kill those damn germs! Bitches!

Artemis: Mother! Your language!

Angeline: So what? You say "Butler is a ho" all of the time! Why can't I speak like an uneducated American?

Artemis: At least I have chicken.

Angeline: I love chicken.

Artemis: Ditto. Well, I've got to run. I'm going Google bombing today.

Angeline: Oh. Well, have fun. Talk to you later, dear.

Artemis: Bye mother.

Angeline: Oh wait. We forgot fairy. There. Goodbye!

(Click)

Root starred at Foaly, who still seemed serious.

"I know. It's shocking," Foaly spoke sternly. Root watched him sadly. And then wished he was dead again. I mean, honestly. I was never a big Root fan. He's okay, but not exactly cuddly. I think I would've been more devastated if Foaly or Butler died.

Suddenly, Eoin Colfer appeared in a Glinda the Good Witch costume.

"Be careful what you wish for!" He spoke as he waved a wand.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: That was odd. I'll admit that.


	8. Dammit, Eight More Chapters To Go

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Writing a rock Phantom of the Opera because NO ONE ELSE WILL!)

A/N: Read.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't own Artemis Fowl. PSYCH! YES I DO! No. Just kidding. I don't. WAIT! Yes I do. No. For real this time, I don't. Wait for it! . . . . Nope. I still don't.

Apology: I'm sorry for bringing Harry Potter into this. I'm sorry for mentioned Charro. I'm sorry this story is turning into OCC, OC, and AU. Should I be put to death? I'd prefer the Laughing Gas Chamber, please and thank you.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Eight: Dammit, Eight More Chapters Left!

Artemis was bored. Again. This is usually how the chapter starts out. You should know this by now. Like any bored homo sapien, Artemis was quickly flipping channels at the speed that his brain usually functioned. Less than .5 seconds was definitely enough time to see what was on the channel and decide not to watch it. Artemis' mind wandered.

_I wonder what would happen if I made a veggie drink with FRUIT in it. . . I bet it would be the end of all life as we know it. I wish I had something to do right now._

Charro, Anderson Cooper, Heidi Klume, Cartoon Network, and G4 went by in a flash of light. Artemis kept flipping channels only because he liked the click noise the remote made. He slouched on the couch in the common room of his area of the dorm rooms. There were several boys who were having seizures on the floor because of the epileptic nature the speed of the channels had. There was one boy, whom loved anime and was used to this brain treatment, who was complaining loudly that InuYasha was about to come on, and if Artemis didn't stop on Cartoon Network in the next round of channel flipping, something horrible would happen. Artemis, not having foreseen any problem with "empty threats" kept flipping through every channel imaginable, and did NOT stop on Cartoon Network.

"Stop it Artemis!" he exclaimed. His name was Zeppo. I refrained from announcing this before. I'm getting tired of having nameless faces in my stories. (cough)

"No," Artemis retorted shortly. Channels zoomed by. Zeppo, pulled out a wand and cursed Artemis. The Curse was called Spectrous Amora, which was a curse that forces Artemis to be stuck in the same chapter twice. It's sort of a time changing thing. No one questioned this yet, because it had not yet gone in affect. Zeppo smirked evilly, glad that he finally had revenge on the boy genius.

Artemis looked over at his wand, which was pointed at his chest. He quirked an eyebrow and stopped flipping channels.

"What on earth is that strange contraption!" Artemis said aghast. Zeppo looked down and then shoved it in his pocket. Artemis searched Zeppo's face.

"It's a stick I found in the mud. Oh look! The Oxygen channel!" Zeppo pointed at the TV. Artemis looked over and panicked. He hurriedly changed it to AMC, and sighed in relief before he started flipping channels again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Dani California was still crying. After a week of rejection from Artemis, she was STILL crying. She cried during her classes. She cried while she studied. She cried while she ate. (Some one video taped it and put it on She cried while she slept. She cried while she talked to people. She cried while she smiled. It was pathetic. And Capstan was frantically trying to make her feel better.

He bought her chocolate. He bought her mink. He gave her a foot massage. He sent her letters and flowers. And she was STILL sad. The attention he had to constantly give her was taking away from his time to devise his plan to get back at Artemis. It was a very frustrating ordeal.

"CAPSTAN!" She screamed while crying. He was at her side in a matter of seconds. He'd run across the campus, which was pretty far.

"Yes madam?" He asked eagerly, eager to make her happy.

"I wanna Kleenex," She sniffled. Capstan nodded, ignoring the multitude of water bottles surrounding her. He ran back across the campus to grab her a Kleenex and ran back.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Holly doodled on Mulch's report on the status of their business, which was appropriately named Diggums-Short Inc. The report gave several different ways to say that the business was on temporary hiatus. This wasn't the case at all. They hadn't gotten a case since they opened up their office. Holly often questioned this.

She was aimlessly wondering ways to get someone to come in for detective work. She kept bouncing her blue ball on the wall. Mulch sat on the floor, appearing to be meditating or doing yoga. She waited in silence no longer.

"What if we go kill someone? Someone will HAVE to come to us to find the killer!" Holly spoke enthusiastically. Mulch grimaced with his eyes closed.

"That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard," He said bluntly. Holly's lip curled and she began to sob.

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT!" She hollered and stormed off. Mulch didn't move from his position on the floor. Once Holly slammed the door, the phone rang.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Somewhere in Britain, Dumbledore was going over the list of people enrolled at Hogwarts, for no apparent reason. For some odd reason, he did strange things to fill his time. Like collect socks, comb his beard, say the word tiddlywinks, and recite Little Eee Foo Foo. When he saw that the one boy with the worst attendance ever was Zeppo Zappa, whom hadn't attended ONE day at Hogwarts, he was a little concerned. Gandalf-err. . . I mean Dumbledore cast away the long list of children and teenagers that resembled Santa's good and bad list. The list covered a sign he'd made from plywood and paint that read "Slytherin STILL sucks". Dumbledore popped a lemon drop in his mouth and put his feet on the desk.

Merlin-err. . . Uh . . . Dumbledore cracked open his newest Harry Potter book (Half-blood Prince), almost at the end. He read casually until a certain part, which made him scream in outrage.

For fear of being labeled a crossover again, we do a sparkly little scene change.

-.-.-.-.-.- (sparkles)

Artemis flipped through an art magazine. The articles about Modernism and contemporary Impressionism did not interest him. He stumbled upon a picture of the painting Fairy Thief. He starred at it, and then turned the page.

"Hey, Artemis? What are you looking at?" Dani asked. Artemis shrugged.

"Art," He replied shortly. Dani leaned over to his desk.

"Hey! That was Fairy Thief! Go back!" She demanded. He turned back and she studied it.

"My dad stole that one!" She bragged. Artemis starred at her with unamusement.

"Kay," He replied and turned the page. She was eager to keep this conversation going.

"What kind of art do you like?" She asked. Artemis shrugged.

"Ah ohn no," Artemis barely spoke in intelligible syllables. She smiled at him and batted her eyelashes. He looked into her eyes accidentally, and then remembered she was brainwashing him! He reached in his coat to grab his sunglasses, but they weren't there! Artemis panicked.

"_Yes, I took them from you! My magnificent skills in legerdemain have fooled you! And now you are helpless against the mesmer! OBEY ME! LOVE ME!" _She spoke, her voice evil and layered. Artemis sat silently. Someone with a deeper voice cleared his throat. DanI looked to the front of the classroom, where Mr. Monarski was.

"Please students, read the signs," Mr. Monarski pointed to a corner of the board that had many signs with different rules written on them. They went something like this.

_No cell phones._

_No human sacrifices for the sake of science._

_Please remain seated and quiet while your master and lord, Mr. Monarski, is speaking._

_No biting, spitting, or pillaging._

_Please, no brainwashing, using subliminal messages or any other related mind controlling techniques._

Dani pouted and released Artemis, but already had him in love with her. He looked over at her and smiled blissfully, stupidly. Capstan watched from afar, getting more jealous of Artemis than he ever had before.

While everyone was trying to learn, Artemis was messily scribbling a note to Dani. He indiscreetly passed it to her and she smiled. It read "I really, really, really like you.-Artemis". Dani smiled at him approvingly.

This is how love really is. A sadistic, psycho fairy-human comes along and brainwashes a scrawny, rich, fairy-stealing vampire.

It happens.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Does anyone think this story is getting weirder, or is it just me? Anyways, thank you for reading. I love you guys. Mary Sue cage match is on the way. Next chapter is going to be even weirder. You've been warned.


	9. Dammit, Seven More Chapters To Go

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (I'm Spartacus.)

A/N: Don't despair. This chapter has never existed before? Kay. Don't do drugs, kiddies!

Disclaimer: I don't own stuff. I do own a rackety old conscience and a few steady morals. I'm extremely lucky to say that I do not own a canary, any Janet Evanovich (EvanoBITCH) books, or needles. Needles hurt.

Apology: I'm sorry for ripping on Janet. But you must understand, I am a very jealous girl, and she has like . . . Twenty books to her name, all of which are outrageous colored. (Neon colors for the cover of a book is mean.) I am also sorry for the deja vue you may feel during this chapter. I am not sorry for disliking anime, specifically InuYasha.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Eight: Dammit, Seven Chapters Left!

Artemis was bored again. Boredom seemed to consume his life in this alternate universe. He wasn't one for emotions, as we all know. He never felt sad, or happy, or normal. He was always bored. It's not unusual for a genius to be bored, unless that genius puts his/her genius to work. Artemis, at school, usually didn't care to work at keeping his mind sharp. He was an incredibly dull genius. All of his intelligence was covered in a disgustingly absurd amount of dust and cobwebs.

And with his boredom, he chose to waste his mind on flipping pages in a In Style magazine imported from America. Dani had obviously left it there on accident. He wasn't paying any attention to what he was looking at. There were pictures of Johnny Depp and countless other celebrities that some people spent their time following the business of their lives. Artemis was just looking for pictures of Kierra Knightley, nothing more. He'd always fancied her after he saw the movie Princess of Thieves.

Zeppo sat on the couch next to him, in front of the TV, hoarding the remote as if it was a stolen baby in a fairy mound. He watched InuYasha, eyeing Artemis every once in a while, just to make sure he wasn't going to try anything funny. There were several other boys in the common room, but most of them were at tables doing homework or playing video games on another TV.

"Zeppo, only girls watch InuYugimon! Turn that crap off!" Will shouted over his game of NCAA. Lee Corso's squeaky voice was no better than an anime dub's squeaky voice. Zeppo didn't retort, for fear that someone would make fun of his name again. Artemis sat flipping pages, starring off into the wall in front of him.

As if by magic, a man with blue robes and a beard that came down to his stomach, along with crescent moon shaped glasses, grabbed Zeppo by the arm. With a loud CRACK, the two of them were gone. The boys in the room were shocked and appalled by this. Their mouths hung open as if they were tying to catch flies. Artemis starred off, not having witnessed any of it. If he had, and if he had been in character, he most certainly would've liked to exploit the group of people who possessed such magic.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Dani California danced in her dorm room with only a spaghetti stringed tank top and her underwear on. She had the Spice Girls turned up WAY too loud, but no one was about to complain. Especially not the boys she shared a dorm room with, whom were sitting and watching her.

She wasn't crying. She wasn't alone. She finally had Artemis in her power. And he would help her take over the world! . . . . Right after she would be in a band and act in a movie. . .

Capstan opened the door to the room and stepped in with a box of chocolates for Dani. The other boys were zombie-like, watching her dance in her underwear. Capstan paid no heed to them and walked up to her.

"Good morning, Dani! I brought you chocolates!" Capstan smiled. She kept dancing to Wannabe as she said thank you and started shoveling the chocolates in her mouth. Not only was she a fairy/human, a hacker, a model, a stunt driver, a genius, rich, sexually abused by her uncle Larry, singer, adopted, a guitar player, and beautiful but she also could eat whatever she wanted, whenever, without consequence.

"Did you hear, Capstan? Artemis said he'd love me! Yay!" She squealed. Capstan paled. His stomach twisted and turned with jealous and anger. He turned from her before he was about to yell and ran from the room. He'd have sweet revenge on Artemis.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Mulch answered the door for the person who had called a few minutes prior. A rather tall fairy stepped in. She had to be at least 4'11". She wore a purple coat and high heeled boots, which made her appear even taller. Mulch cleared his throat.

"Come in, madam," He said very politely. This might just be the case to prove Holly and his competence in solving cases. She looked around, seemingly to be wondering if she should've ever come here. Mulch pulled out a chair for her.

"What can Diggums and Short do for you, miss?" He asked hastily. She looked at him searchingly.

"I'm looking for my long-lost daughter. I would like to reunite with her," She spoke quietly. Mulch nodded, accepting ANY business, no matter how uncool it seemed.

"Have you contacted the adoption center?" Mulch asked. The woman nodded.

"They say that she was stolen from the center at age two. Plucked right off the front lawn," She said sadly. Mulch put on a look of sympathy.

"I'm sorry to hear that," He said and pulled a bowl from the desk. "Candy?"

The woman nodded and grabbed a large handful, and shoved it into her mouth with the wrappers on. Mulch twitched, knowing that fairies usually did not eat the wax paper around the candy. Mulch couldn't help but open his big mouth.

"Why don't you just take the whole bowl!"

She looked up at Mulch, appearing quite appalled.

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis Senior needed to unwind.

Angeline had been keeping him up all night, and not with the duties of a faithful husband! He'd been forced to search all 153 of their beautiful, green acres for crop circles. The Fowl family didn't have any crops since the 1800s.

Anyways, Artemis Senior called up his best bud from another more crowded fandom and they went for golf on the weekends. This friend of his was also a wealthy aristocrat and on the run from the law, which pushed the two of them closer together. Artemis swung violently and the tiny white golf ball shot into space and out of sight.

Sirius Black searched for the tiny object in the clear, blue sky, but it was nowhere to be found. He swung his own driver over his shoulder and looked at a cute little pound nearby where the ball had been launched. There, a duck was floating upside down.

Artemis Senior grimaced.

"Redo," He announced. Sirius nodded agreeing. Artemis swung again. The ball flew past the desired target and out of the golfing area and onto a major highway. Artemis groaned.

"That's fine," He spoke gently and the two men got into the golf cart. It was Sirius' golf cart, of course. The only reason why they chose that one over Artemis' was because Fowl had driven purposely into a group of people, and was now severely dented. Also, Sirius' was cooler, because it was black (no pun intended) and the words, "Slytherin STILL sucks" were printed on the back.

For fear of being labeled a crossover, we will move on.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis flipped through a magazine, in which St. Bartleby's allowed boys to order from. Everything in the magazine was carefully assessed so that nothing they could buy would be harmful or compromising. Parents were a tricky bunch. They demanded respect for themselves and their wished, and not always their children's. And because of this, pop culture items were not sold. Strange, old, turn of the century games were provided. For instance, Jacob's Ladder and a Ping Pong table. The Ping Pong Table was banned from the school because one match with a student vs. teacher got out of control. We can all be assured that Mr. Monarski was a big part of that venture. The student opposing him was sent to the hospital wing with a bloody nose and a lost limb.

In any case, Artemis was searching for the perfect gift for his dear Dani. She was a very needy girl. And she was clingy. And beautiful. And that made up for all of her "flaws".

And then he saw it.

It was a stuffed doll of Captain Jack Sparrow. Something that every girl wanted and needed. He looked at the price, not that it mattered. He ripped the page out and ran from the classroom, holding it up in the air.

A few of the students noticed him, but most went back to their work. Mr. Monarski hid his perplexed face with an angry one. He raised his hands up to call attention to the class. Many of the students were convinced that in a past life, he had either been a pharaoh, a mad scientist, Bloody Nicholas, or a Salmon. Believe it or not, but Salmons were highly intelligent creatures who would one day take over the world once their population wasn't continually being diminished by those pesky grizzly bears.

Capstan was shaking with fury at Artemis. He hated him, but now that he'd run from the room, he was feeling a little less bloodlust. He looked at Dani, who playfully flipped her hair for the audience of boys around her. Capstan suddenly felt very jealous and KNEW that his revenge on Artemis wasn't nearly painful enough if he stole Dani from him now. He had to clean up his act. He had to learn to be MORE courteous and more dreamy than Artemis. He had to grown out his hair and get bulging muscles, that' what!

With fiery determination, Capstan stood up and screamed, "I WILL DESTROY YOU, ARTEMIS FOWL!"

This was usual behavior in St. Bartleby's. And although no one noticed it, the last of the Mohicans-the last of the boys who had never burst out in jealous rage of Artemis Fowl, finally gave in. No one looked back at his shocked and appalled face. He couldn't believe he had just done that. Never before had he thought his anger was so strong to make him shout it.

Never before had he thought it would feel this good.

It happens.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: I'd better not get reviews telling me I have two chapter eights. Because I know. I guess an angry review is better than no review. Please, feel free to tell me that you hate my stories and that you print them out and burn them in a ritual. That would intrigue me greatly.


	10. Chris Is Great

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Chris Not Included)

A/N: Argh. Where am I? Oh yeah. Hi. Thanks for reading. Uh . . . I'm not really Spectra16. She asked me to fill in for her to write this chapter. My name is Chris. My influence on Spectra has been pretty significant earlier in the story. For ome reason, she decided to purge all of my muse to her recently by strickening my title and twisting my perfect plot. I really don't know what the hell is wrong with her. Anyhow, this chapter I how things should've been. I can't believe everything could've gone so wrong. And it was my idea too! Yes, I was the one that popped out from under the couch and kicked her in the teeth! And now that she's ill, I shall make this story great!

Disclaimer: Chris writes no disclaimer! Chris is great! Bow down to his pwnzorness.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Ten: Chris Is Great and He Commands Your Attention

Artemis Fowl Junior laid in a room alone, surrounded by dim candles and bottles of alcohol. His angst had never been so evident to the readers as it was now. He sat on the floor in a heap of sadness and tears rolled down his face.

"Why won't anyone ever love me? What is my purpose in life? Was I created to lead such a horrid existence? How long will I have to be alone? I should end my life," Artemis spoke sadly. His angsting was interrupted by a boy who entered the dorm room, and seemingly at first confused, he starred at Artemis' thin figure laying carelessly on the floor.

"Carter, will you love me?" Artemis blurted with syrupy sadness in his voice. The sexual tension in the room became thick. Every horny little girl reading was grasped by the words of such sweetness. Carter blanched and looked back into the hallway from where he came.

"Artemis, your stupid doppelganger got loose again," Carter complained as Artemis stuck his head in the door. "He made quite a spectacle of our room."

The real Artemis groaned and stormed over to his doppelganger and dragged him by the arm.

"What is it, dear brother?" The doppelganger spoke in a ghostly manner. Artemis ignored him. He dragged him to a large wardrobe and shoved him in.

"Now stay in there!" He warned and slammed the door, turning the key. Carter started blowing out the candles.

This was normal.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Somewhere in the dark alleys of New York, many mediocre looking women and girls joined in one place. Years of spite for the prettier of their sex had empowered them for this one night. Men also gathered at this place, but were indifferent. They just wanted to see the spectacle.

Yes, it was the annual Mary Sue cage fighting match, hosted by Heidi Klume, who would later fight the winner in a pile of mud.

Most of the Mary Sues were creatures found in movies and television. Once in a while, someone's fantasy girl from a fandom would make it to the semi finals. This year, Elizabeth Swan was bound to make it to the finals. After all, she could fend her own against Davy Jones' scurvy mates. Among the other well known Mary Sues, Arwin made it this year. Last year, she had suffered a devastating loss to Eowyn, who had a SERIOUS quarrel with her. Eowyn had decided to play dirty and she stabbed Arwin with a knife before their scheduled fight. She was disqualified from the Annual Mary Sue Cage Fighting Match forever, but everyone knew that she thought it was worth it.

Even though Chris says so, Spectra16 was not ill. She was attending the match and called it holiday. She was dressed in black robes given to her by Organization Thirteen, so that no one would bother her. (And that alone makes her a Mary Sue!) Like any good Artemis Fowl obsessor, she wanted to see the semi finalist from AF fandom. It was some genius, blonde (standard), strawberry Chupa chip, shamelessly self-absorbed girl named Alicia. Spectra16 denied ever having read the story that she was in. But it sounded absolutely dreadful.

Another Mary Sue contender was Niname, whom was apparently Japanese/American, psychic, pretty, could control people's memories, and was angst but cute at the same time. She was so skinny, it was a wonder she could physically hold her own, but maybe she just got into her opponent's head and whispered strange things like, "The pickles. . . The pickles. . ." and "Wouldn't it be fun to lay in a pile of wombats?"

The matches began and people were screaming and pushing on the cages to get the girls fired up. People were chanting, "Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!" Venders were walking around selling plastic cameras and peanuts.

For the lack of wanting to go into detail, Elizabeth Swan and some girl named Katie were the finalists and fought in a pile of mud, naked. Everyone cheered them on. And fun was had by all.

Why are you still sitting here? Oh yeah. Elizabeth Swan won. Now go away.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The garbage pail was very empty. _Dangerously _empty, in fact. No one knew that the fate of the universe rested in this garbage pail. Now, if the fate of the universe rested in Alec Baldwin's hands, EVERYONE would care and try to get it out of his hands because he had a dreadful way about him that makes him fail at everything he does. This curse also carries onto all TV shows and crappy B movies he "acts" in.

Anyways, no one cared about the garbage pail because it seemed so insignificant. There were PLENTY of garbage pails in the world. A single one would not hold the ways of the universe in it's being!

Only one person of great care, boredom and anal nature would notice that this garbage pail was significant in some way.

A heavily bearded man looked into it, thinking that he'd use it to clean out his car. But as he looked inside, seeing that it was dangerously empty, he looked around. Seeing that no one was about to stop him, he picked it up and carried it off. Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, bag pipes of celebration were playing for his triumph for discovering such an important garbage pail.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A crack of frightening lightning lit up the sky in a fit of light. The sound was boisterous and it would've taken someone completely oblivious to not hear or see it.

Artemis Senior and Sirius were just those two to not hear it. Artemis swung again, hitting a squirrel in a tree about sixty yards away. Sirius winced.

"Nice shot, Artemis!" Sirius smiled. Artemis nodded approvingly. Sirius stepped up to the tee and swung with as much muscle as he had. Just as his club was around his shoulder, a bolt of lightning hit him.

Artemis flew back and sat up immediately. Sirius was laying on the ground, his beautiful black hair fried and smoking. Sirius coughed and sat up as well. Artemis wore a look of excitement and thrill.

"WOAH! SWEET!" He said and stood up, pointing his nine iron to the sky. Sirius shook his head and put a finger in one ear.

Sure enough, another bolt of lightning came down on Artemis and shocked him into laughs.

"OMG! SWEET!" Sirius watched Artemis laying there. Artemis coughed.

God, having the time of His life, laughed.

"That's what you get for bringing up a genius son who uses his powers for evil!" He spoke with authority and humor. Everyone knows that God gets bored sometimes. And He works in crazy ass ways.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

St. Bartleby's had two football teams. One Varsity and JV. Normally, since other preppy schools didn't want to travel for three hours for a game, the V and JV played together. And the Varsity always won. And since DanI controlled most of Artemis' life, she told him to try out in order to be cool.

Artemis grimaced as he walked down the green field. American football was rarely televised on TV, but he'd watched a game or two in boredom at his school. The pads were bulky, and the boys looked mean, but for the sake of being brainwashed, Artemis obeyed.

The sun was shining brightly and singing a J-pop song for good mood. Artemis ignored it in his bad moon. It was not the fact that he was too skinny, or not in shape that he didn't want to play American football. It was the fact that he was lazy and wanted to go watch TV.

"GET YOUR KEISTER OVER HERE, FOWL!" Coach Hanssen yelled viciously. Artemis groaned absentmindedly. From the sidelines, Dani, Chris, and Mr. Monarski sat.

"WOOO! I LOVE YOU ARTY!" Dani shouted and clapped. All of the boys on the football team turned to Artemis at the same time and glared at him in jealousy. Artemis didn't notice the hostility against him. Mr. Monarski snorted.

"Football sucks. Fencing rules," He said quietly. Chris nodded. And the Godzilla trotted through the story and missed barely missed stepping on Artemis.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: I hope you enjoyed my chapter! There will be more! MUHAHAHAHAHA! OBEY ME!

Spectra16: Chris . . . What are you doing with my lap mate?

A/N: Err. . . . Nothing. BYE! REVIEW! choking


	11. Back to the Plot We Go

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Has a lot of deadlines) (and dead lines)

A/N: Argh! It's the 29th, three days before this Crim challenge is due (I update chapters late)! And I have six chapters left to write! ARGH! That's two chapters a day! GOT DAMN! I've put my giant crossover on hold for this! That's insane! That story ALWAYS came first! Oh well. And school starts in one week. Crap. Where has my well wasted time gone?

Oh yeah. I'm sorry about the last chapter. Chris likes to intrude.

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl or anything I use in this chapter.

Apology: Ever since Chris wrote a chapter, my S key has not been working very well. He likes to slam his fist on the delicate keyboard. Jerk. Oh well. So yeah. If I miss adding an S, I'm orry. (wink)

I also would like to apologize for ripping on people who take steroids. Wait no. I'm not sorry.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Eleven: And Back To the Plot We Go

"This i no ordinary child," The woman in purple spoke. Mulch tried to look interested by putting his hand on his chin. Holly had already come from the back room to listen to the woman's case. "Her father is a human."

Holly and Mulch looked candalized. And then regained composure. In a dramatic swell of emotion, Mulch asked,

"Who are you?"

With a few moment of dramatic mood silence, the woman spoke coolly.

"Amethyst Koboi."

GASP! went Holly and Mulch. Mulch ran and hid behind a desk. Holly stood up traight.

"Are you related to Opal Koboi? The criminal?" Holly asked tupidly in order to point stupid or inattentive readers in the right direction of plot. Amethyst nodded solemnly. With a name like Amethyt, readers felt their Mary ue senses tingling. The pixie was beautiful with platinum blonde hair and unreal green eyes.

"I'm afraid I don't hare her ambitions. All I care about I my long lost daughter," Amethyst poke quietly now. Holly nodded.

"Don't call us! We'll call you," Mulch's voice was muffled behind the desk.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The lightning storm and rain passed quickly after irius and Artemis found their new entertainment. Crispy, and rather put out, the two men returned in the black golf cart. The large park was not just a golf course. It was also a mini golf course, rock climbing, a pool, a batting cage, and a quaint little restaurant. After returning their clubs and bags to the Fowl's car, irius looked back at the park.

"Hey, do you want to go mini golfing?" Sirius asked playfully. Artemis looked back.

"Yes," He said with all erioune.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Sirius took his putter in hand and swung it as hard as he could. The little blue, beaten golf ball had never flown farther in it's career as a golf ball. The ball hit several landmarks in the course; the windmill, the elephant, the gazebo, the plaster cast of George W. Bush, and two people.

"OH CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" A college student by the name of Brian screamed as he clutched his leg on the ground. His girlfriend, who also got hit, just starred at her boyfriend rolling around on the ground, blankly.

Sirius and Artemis gave each other high fives.

"Yes! That's two points for the windmill, three for the elephant, five for the gazebo, ten million for Bush, and two for each human!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly! Artemis crossed his eyebrows.

"I thought it was only five million for Bush and one for the windmill!" He argued. Sirius shrugged.

"Whatever. I still got 5,000,013 points!" Sirius exclaimed. Artemis set his pink ball down and glared at the plaster cast of Chuck Norris, which was worth infinity.

"I won't lose to Sirius Black!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Everyone on the jealous JV team gunned for Artemis. Even when he played defense, the offense's interest was creaming him and not catching the ball to score a touchdown. Artemis was having a near death experience.

"Come on Artemis! Get up! Don't be a wuss!" Dani screamed. Artemis laid on the ground, not moving at all. One extremely large boy or girl looked over at Artemis from above.

"Yeah farty Arty! Get up, you pussy!" The boy or girl then body slammed the thin framed boy. Artemis coughed pitifully.

All of the spectators (Artemis hater), "oh!"'d collectively. The boy or girl got off of him and Artemi rolled over. He stood up, wobbly like. Dani clapped. Mr. Monarski muttered on about how football sucks and fencing rules. Once the play was over, the coach had all of the player run around the field in circles for no apparent reason. Artemis ran a few feet before collapsing on the ground in the path of the rest of the team. Everyone stepped on him and laughed. It was a very emo moment.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Underground, red alarm were flashing and wailing. Root and Foaly scrambled to find out what was going on. Foaly tapped madly at his keyboard to find out what the security breach was.

Root's face was red with anger and rage, but Foaly couldn't really tell from the red light that bathed the tech room. He turned to the commander.

"The computer says that the security breach involves Artemis Fowl," Foaly tapped again feverishly. Root shook with rage and horror.

"I TOLD YOU HE WAS UP TO SOMETHING!" Root shouted. Foaly's ear were plugged with cotton, but Root didn't know that.

"Apparently, the computer that reads his vitals say that . . . He's acting out of character to the extreme," Foaly said gravely. Root leaned over to the screen.

"Where does it say that?" He barked. Foaly pointed to a meter which read "Out-of-characterness" and it' settings were Mudboy, slightly good-hearted, OOC, AU OCC, and to the extreme. In that order. The indicator was pointed to the "to the extreme". Root nodded.

"What do we do?" Foaly asked. Root breathed in.

"We send some recon officers to find out what's wrong. Right after we send them to pick up my dry cleaning."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Opal was busily stacking playing cards on each other when he was rudely interrupted by a pixie violinist. Briar waited at the door while he assumed Opal would wonder who paid for a violinist for her. He walked in after the song stopped and found the room covered in fresh blood, which covered the old blood stains. Briar gulped. Opal's hair was frazzled and her fingers were bent in a strange manner. She inhaled like a ravenous beast as she glared at Cudgeon.

"What. . . Have I . . . Said about . . . Inviting. . . Civilians . . . Into our . . . Lair?" She asked dangerously. Briar backed into the wall with a look of shocked horror on his face. He pressed himself as far away from Opal as he could. She stormed toward him with a murderous look on her face. He shielded himself in horror and spit out what he'd been dying to tell her for days.

"I LOVE YOU!" He spoke as if intimidated to say it. She stopped and her look of rage was replaced with curiosity.

"Come again?" Her voice changed into sweetness from her angry tone. He shivered.

"I love you?" He repeated. She loosened. A look of playful anger spread across her beautiful face. He waited for her to stab him to death with a dull butter knife. The moment never came. Instead, the two of them stood in silence.

"Why the HELL didn't you just tell me?!" She hugged him and nearly snapped his spine. If Cudgeon wasn't in so much intense pain, he'd would have smiled.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Hello! How are you today? Good. Now review! Or read. Either. Thanks for sticking with this story. I'm impressed! I'm not sure I would've been able to!


	12. Life Changing Concepts

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Jedis are one big scam! Ask me about it!)

A/N: GOT DAMN! Two chapters a day is a pain. And what makes it worse is that I just rented Kingdom Hearts 2 and it NEEDS to consume most of my time or else I won't beat it before I need to take it back! 16 friggin' hours and I still have like three levels left! DAMN! The Organization rules though. (It's not very organized. They got traitors and moles and soft hearted squeaky pigeon faced, mullet-ized weirdos working for them. And I want to be one.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl because I don't have the patience to write something that Eoin would have the patience for. Although I am jealous of the fact he's a teacher in Ireland, I'm not real fond of anything else he's written. Artemis Fowl, as fun as the books are, are not something I would want to write. (get stabbed by the many angry fan girls) I'm sorry! Stop it! Lemme alone! GOT DAMN!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Twelve: Life Changing Concepts in a Regular Day

Dani giggled. If you knew her, you'd be able to say it was an evil giggle, but since no one really know who she is, her evil giggle sounded like a playful giggle of sick pleasure. Artemis was currently eating paste like a four year old. She was giggling sadistically because she had commanded him to in order to prove his love for her. Artemis ate it willingly until Ms. Marple grabbed the bottle from him. She was a new teacher for the Law Basics class.

"Alright children! May I remind you that nothing I edible unless I say it is!" Ms. Marple spoke meekly. This trait alone ensured that the class would be out of control. Dani looked at Artemis slyly, handing him another bottle of glue.

From another table, a boy named Clark spoke with Capstan about the "unfortunate" and "accidental" demise of our boy genius.

"I really think I'd get the most satisfaction out of just strangling him as he slept. With like. . . A pillow or something," Clark pantomimed having a pillow, shivering as he smothered Artemis. Capstan set down a piece of glued construction paper.

"I think his demise should be slow and painful, not quick like suffocation. And we also need to think about how to get his -weird- bodyguard out of the way," Capstan spoke as though he'd given this more thought, which he had. Clark nodded approvingly. From behind the boys, some one cleared their throat.

Clark and Capstan froze and slowly turned around with paper and glue in hand. It was Butler with a pissed off look and his arms crossed. Clark squealed and ran away. Capstan remained. Dramatic music swelled.

The next thing Capstan knew, he was covered in little pieces of paper which were glued to it. It happened so fast, no one knew what happened and Butler was gone. Madam Ko (whom I will probably not mention again. . . Or will I?) taught Butler well in the construction of colored paper and glue! It was a martial art known as Kindergarten.

While Capstan sat starring at the wall, the rest of the children pointed and laughed at him and Ms. Marple reprimanded him. The only boy that didn't laugh was Artemis, whom was too busy trying to impress Dani by eating paste.

Capstan now knew that stealing Dani from Artemis was pertinent to his demise. There was no way one could bodily harm Artemis (unless it was Dani). Capstan nodded to this revelation. He HAD to steal Dani. There was no other way.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Jon Spiro was sitting in a jail cell, withering away. His new roommate looked quite scary and reflected some personality traits from the author. He had a large tattoo of Chuck Norris on his bicep and it moved when he flexed it sporadically. Jon Spiro chose not to talk, considering the man was much bigger than him.

Jon looked down the hallway of cells where there was a cell that sounded like it had a large pack of squirrelly girls. Jon quirked an eyebrow. He called over a security guard.

"What's going on down there?" he asked. The guard shrugged.

"A group of fan girls that go by the name Criminality decided to disturb the peace by rioting in the streets and carry signs," The guard chuckled, thinking about the riot that he had attended. There were signs that read "STAY BACK HUMAN!" and "I'll Arctic YOUR Incident!" and "ROOT for Homeland Security" and "GeniusFabio". One sign said "If you think those fingers work on me, I have a finger for you!" but it was assumed that some Star Wars fan was confused and came to an Artemis Fowl rally instead. Jon looked disgusted.

"We have to escape!" A girl covered in blue haired boots exclaimed.

"We're in jail! My mom is gonna kill me!"

"The food here sucks!"

"It's a good thing Mosquito escaped. We need SOMEONE to bust us out."

"Does anyone have any tampons?"

"Artemis is cute!"

Jon Spiro, confused by all of this, turned back to his roommate, of whom was chewing on a piece of human flesh. Jon looked weary and then pulled off a girlie anime smile.

"Let's be friends!" Jon exclaimed and did the V for Victory sign. The roommate, named Bob, starred at the man in his cell. And then let his mind wander to other things.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chix, Trouble, Grub, and a conveniently located OC named Pix landed on the front lawn of St. Bartleby's.

"Here we are, gentlemen! Time to go in there and steal Artemis Fowl!" Chix announced. Trouble groaned.

"We're not actually _stealing _him, are we?" Pix asked. Chix smiled evilly and rubbed his tiny hands together.

"Yes we are. And once we have him, we're going to dress him up in girls clothing," Chix said shadily. Everyone quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Well that's different. Chix/Artemis shipping?" Grub pondered. His brother smacked him upside the head.

"Let's go boys," Trouble said dramatically. Trouble stepped one foot and the sprinklers went off.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis and Dani skipped down the hallway holding hands. Every boy glared at Artemis darkly. Nearly every emo boy went to his dark place. The lunch room went dead silent at Dani's incredible beauty and charisma. Artemis kissed her cheek and unknowingly, set off the alarm underground for Foaly and Root to scramble around while trying to figure out how to turn it off.

"How tragic it will be when school gets out!" Artemis threw the back of his hand on hi forehead. The alarm went off again. Dani gave him a sympathetic look.

"Tragic for _you_, maybe. Next year, I'm going to Laguna Beach to get a new boyfriend," Dani spoke sincerely. Artemis nodded, being totally mind controlled by her mesmer. Upon writing the words 'Laguna Beach', the author suddenly realizes she forgot about Juliet and Angeline at the Fowl Manor.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Juliet scrambled around the mansion, trying to find the anti-cow syndrome pills. Angeline was eating the carpet again, on all fours. Ever since Artemis had gone for a "fishing trip", Angeline' sanity was steadily lessening. Juliet panicked, wishing her big brother or that kid with the really large brain would come back to the manor and fix the problems.

Being stuck in a manor alone with Angeline Fowl was a dangerous thing. It was this sort of situation that spurred on strange phenoms like Juliet/Angeline shipping, or spa hopping, or Angeline spending ridiculous amounts of money on Precious Moments figurines and Very Fancy Doilies.

Juliet ran to Angeline's quarters, and Angeline was gone. Juliet's heart sunk, hoping that Angeline had not run out into the night, screaming into the sky "Take me with you!"

In a nutshell, Juliet was very busy.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The garbage pail remained silent in the back of Mr. Monarski's car. The teacher starred at it with a hopeful look. It had spoken once, and it would again. He didn't blink or stir. It would speak again.

A few hours after just starring, Mr. Monarski poked it, and two eyes popped out of the garbage pail.

"WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!" It boomed and black smoke with fire surrounded the area. Mr. Monarski' heart beat with fluttering hopefulness and excitement.

"It is I, Sir Monarski!" Mr. Monarski announced. The pail rolled it's eyes.

"State your business," It said apathetically. Mr. Monarski sat there.

"Business?"

"Yeah. Like one wish? Duh," The pail sighed.

"But I thought I got three wishes!" He complained. The garbage pail rolled it's eyes again.

"Do you wish to have three wishes?" It asked sardonically. Mr. Monarski nodded. The garbage pail nodded.

"Alright. Three wishes. Make 'em fast. I've got other patrons, I'll have you know," the pail spoke. Mr. Monarski scratched his beard and thought hard.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: If I had three wishes, I'd wish for world peace, an unlimited amount of Pez, and for this story to be over with! Or maybe for my S key to work properly. Or to be a TRUE member of Organization XIII (which is not actually organized at all, despite it's name). Or to be Alan Rickman. I dunno. I'd have to think about it.

Peace.


	13. Shipping Fees

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (16 in XIII!)

A/N: Screw. I'm writing this the night before the last day of the month. I hate it when deadlines mock me. I have so much to do. sigh Here's Johnny!

Disclaimer: I'm fairly sure that no one I going to sue me for tarnishing the names of characters that Eoin Colfer fabricated. Pretty sure. Not positive.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter XIII: Putting, Shipping, and Rental Fees

One could say that Artemis Fowl I and Sirius Black's mini golf game was going well . . . For someone who wanted to hit several people and get their ball onto the highway.

Artemis dodged cars coming at him at frightening speeds. His little pink ball sat undisturbed since it landed. The highway was right next to the golf course. Artemis, oblivious to his surrounding, his the ball with full force to get it over the chain link fence and back into the mini golf area. Sirius waved at him.

The ball flew into a green Plymouth. Artemis winced and sprinted from the highway.

-.-.-.-.-

Something flew into Spectra16's car as she was driving to the capital. She screamed, thinking someone was shooting at her. She sped up to evade the terrorist/spy/assassins. A younger boy in the back seat quirked an eyebrow as he picked up a mini golf ball.

"Hey, Anna? What's wrong? Why are we going faster?" He asked. Spectra16, teeth clenched, knowing Alex and her life was gravely in danger, continued to dodge cars at 90 miles an hour.

"They're after us! I knew they'd been waiting in order to kill me! OMG! We're gonna die!" She started to cry. Alex, being the intelligent 12 year old that he was, set the ball down next to him and sat there, not questioning his insane babysitter.

-.-.-.-.-

Amethyst, realizing the author was getting quite annoyed with typing out her name, offered to let Mulch and Holly call her Amy.

"Alright. You can call me honey, then," Mulch wiggled his eyebrows. Amethyst starred at him blankly for several awkward moments. Holly was busily getting a sugar high for her date with Trouble that night. She inhaled a pixie stick and waved it in Amethyst's face.

"Want some?" She asked. Amethyst batted it away, spilling the dust on the floor.

"NO! That would be cannibalism!" Amy squealed. Holly pulled another out of her pocket and dumped it all in her mouth. Mulch looked around the room slyly.

"Hey Amy. Was your father a thief?" Mulch asked shadily. Amy quirked an eyebrow.

"What?!" She asked, sounding appalled by the question.

"Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars in the skies in stuck them in your eyes," Mulch made kissy lips at Amy. She scooted toward the sugar drunk Holly.

"Hey, you guys? When are you going to actually WORK on this case?" Amy asked, and no one listened.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Capstan pulled his tie tight and sucked in his gut. He slicked back his hair, making it shiny and disgusting looking. He decided to shave as well, and put on after have. He practiced his smile in the mirror while the other boys in his dorm made fun of his whipped nature. Capstan feverishly combed back his part.

He was also found reading a book about etiquette around ladies. He also understood that most girls were after money, so he decided to brag about how much he had in front of Dani.

"I have an indoor pool, a Hummer, an Xbox 360, and a subscription for Eye magazine!" Capstan blurted out. Some boys 'ooo'd. Some became jealous. Some wondered why that was so great. And Dani seemed impressed. Everything was going so well until. . .

"So what? I robbed the fairies of tons of gold when I was 12! Beat that!" Artemis bragged, seeing that Dani was being stolen. Capstan glared at Artemis, who glared back. The two boys had a glaring contest in the middle of class. And boys around them started to chant "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Unfortunately, Mr. Monarski was talking during their chanting, and he abruptly stopped. The students looked at him cautiously. Mr. Monarski contained his rage for the time being.

"Detention for Artemis and Capstan! To ensure more character tension develops for next chapter," Mr. Monarski crossed his arms imposingly. Artemis sulked. Capstan looked at Dani for her reaction, which was indifferent. Capstan glowered.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Angeline feverishly punched in numbers on her telephone. Juliet cowered in the corner, after having knives thrown at her, courtesy of Angeline Fowl.

"Hello, you've reached the Shopping-"

"HICANIGETONEOFTHOSEJEWELEDCRESTEDSWEATERS?!?!?!" Angeline's hair stuck out of every place, yelling into the phone. The voice recording kept talking.

"-Shopping Hotline. We're glad you've decided to purchase from our stock. Please press the number extension for-"

"DAMMIT! I forgot the fucking number!" Angeline screamed and threw the cordless phone across the room. Juliet shivered in utter horror. This mood that Angeline was in was dangerous. Juliet would have much preferred Angeline as a cow.

"I'm home!" A man from the front door yelled. Juliet winced. _Oh no. Master Fowl is back and not going to be happy about the shape of his home! And Angeline!!! Oh noes! What will I do?_

Artemis Senior and Sirius came up the stairs to find Angeline kicking and screaming on the floor. Artemis starred at his insane wife, and then at Juliet in the corner of the room, shaking madly. He waited for a moment, and turned around to look at Sirius.

"Let's go play in my room."

-.-.-.-.-.-

The class sat silently, waiting for their eccentric Scottish teacher. Artemis balanced a pencil on his lip, and then suddenly remembered that all of hi brain power was to be focused on serving his lord and master, Dani. He set the pencil down quietly and with a zombie-like smile, he starred at her.

Dani, who hadn't asked for this treatment, scowled at him and continued talking to Kyle. Remember Kyle? Even if you don't, you should remember that every boy named Kyle is considerably hotter than anyone in existence, except for other Kyles. DanI flipped her hair as she talked.

"So then I went to the mall, and the stylist place didn't have the right kind of conditioner I always use. Like, I NEED my conditioner or I will die! You know? This is like, so ridiculous, I told her. And she was all like," Dani used a squeakier, snottier tone for the other person she was speaking for, "Sorry but we only like get shipments every other Tuesday."

Kyle looked utterly lost but completely attentive. He'd learned this from reading Cosmo magazine.

Cosmo rule number 67: Always listen to your girlfriend. It'll help you get into her pants quicker.

So there Kyle at entranced by Dani. Artemis suddenly became very jealous.

"I'm a genius! Look at me!" He got up out of his seat and danced. "I have lots of money!" He exclaimed desperately. Everyone starred at him. Dani scowled again.

"I'm growing tired of your pathetic attempts to impress me, Artemis," She turned back to Kyle and continued talking. Artemis' heart dropped. That had always worked before. He didn't understand why it didn't now.

"Yeah Artemis! Shut up!" Capstan yelled. Other boys agreed. Artemis slunk back in his chair. Just then, their teacher kicked open the door, holding a garbage pail in hand. He set it on his desk and starred the class down. He usually did this everyday, with the exception of the garbage pail.

"Does anyone have experience with the supernatural?" Mr. Monarski asked nonchalantly. Artemis looked around and turned to Mr. Monarski. He raised his hand slowly, with the psychic boy Friederick and a vampire slayer named Kevin.

Mr. Monarski rubbed his forehead.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Yay! Only three more chapters left! Tell me a good story. I'm bored. Gotta write three chapters today and beat Kingdom Hearts II (it's due today!!). So busy.


	14. Accidentally Invited

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Living in a series of incredible decent events)

A/N: says nothing like the scene fillers in Alfred Hitchcock movies

Disclaimer: Am I the only angry girl on this earth that doesn't like Alanis Morissette? I mean, I guess I can listen to her sometimes. I think she's one of those singers that you either hate or obsess over. And I only like her a little. Weird.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Fourteen: Accidentally Invited

Trouble, Chix, Pix and Grub walked into the school, drenched. Chix was busily hovering around to get the water off. Pix started melting. Grub didn't cry. Trouble looked like a determined, over dramatic protagonist. Trouble started feeling sick. He quickly pulled out his handy dandy Book of Rules To Obey If You're A Good Little Fairy.

"Shit! We've broken one of those rules we weren't supposed to break!" he exclaimed. Chix pouted.

"Well how are we supposed to snag Artemis now?" Pix asked.

Just then, a boy by the name of Edmund ran down to the principal's office and bust open the door.

"ALIENS! They invaded the school! I picked up the reading on my alien reader! They're here! They are going to steal our brains and switch them with cow's! We must stand up and fight them!" He exclaimed, leaving the pixies and fairies to listen to his rant. They watched the open office door curiously, and suddenly, a laser beam shot through the door. The LEP group shielded their eyes from its light and opened them again when it stopped.

"I TOLD EVERYONE THAT I'D BEAM YOU DOWN IF YOU BOTHERED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF ER EVER AGAIN! Ms. Bates, will you please discard this body?" Guiney yelled and then spoke calmly. The apparent secretary stood up from her desk and straightened her skirt.

"But sir, the west corridor is full. Where should I put him?" She asked meekly. He threw a paper weight at her.

"Hell, I don't care! Just get him out of here! I'm a very busy man!"

Trouble, Grub, Pix and Chix decided now was the best time to run away and wait outside for someone to accidentally invite them.

-.-.-.-.-.-

"Artemis, what do you know about garbage pails?" Mr. Monarski asked. Artemis shifted his eyes.

"Why?"

"I found a magical garbage pail that talks. I need to find out what it requires in order for it to grant me three wishes," Mr. Monarski spoke. The garbage pail, who preferred to be called Optimus Prime, spoke up then.

"I told you! I'll give you three damn wishes! You don't have to do anything! Just ask me and get it over with!" Optimus seemed angry now. The Scottish teacher scratched his beard.

"No. It can't possibly be free. There's always a catch involved. Artemis, tell me the secrets of the garbage pail!" Mr. Monarski twitched. Artemis looked for a way to escape. He looked to his left and there was a boy drawing strange pictures of fairies and dead people. He looked at Artemis with a glazed look.

"I wish the fairies would come in and take me away," The boy said. Artemis shuddered.

"Is this a school or a mental institution!?" He asked aloud, voicing his intelligent opinion for once in this story. A boy stood up and pointed in the air.

"This is a school," He said indignantly.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chix stood up.

"Well, that was quicker than I thought. We've been invited. Apparently, someone wants us to take him away. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Artemis though. It sounded like Artemis, but with a slight tinge of insanity in his voice," Chix stated. Trouble sprung up and flew into the school, not waiting for the other LEP members.

"Wow! What an ironic twist of fate! Artemis manages to capture a fairy for the first time in history and now we're kidnapping him!" Pix jumped up and down for joy. Chix looked at him cook eyed and turned away to follow after Trouble. Grub put his hand on Pix's shoulder.

"I know how you feel," Grub spoke sadly and flew off without Pix.

Trouble looked at his wrist where an LSD screen of the area showed the humans in the area. Chix looked over his shoulder.

"Hey, do you know where LEP got the money for these computers? I can't remember getting equipment like this!" Chix exclaimed. Trouble shrugged.

"It might've had something to do with cutting funds on the education system."

Meanwhile. . .

Artemis sat in detention with Capstan. They sat on opposite sides of the room, starring each other down. Since they were North and South, Harry and Draco sat East to West. Everyone took turns glaring at each other while Mr. Weimer sat in the room with them to make sure there were no fatalities. He noisily opened a bag of cheesy popcorn and ate it in front of the students. This was the first time he'd had a meal that didn't involve blood in roughly sixteen days.

Capstan could no longer concentrate on making dirty looks at Artemis. His stomach grumbled as he watched his thin math teacher shovel popcorn in his mouth. And since Capstan was no longer paying attention to Artemis' dirty looks, he pulled out a piece of paper and started writing a love letter to Dani. Now, being the genius that he was, his letters had perfect vocabulary, sometime cliché themes, and often times were too complex for Dani. When Artemis was going for tingles, he often just got a confused look and then Dani would set fire to it and tell him to do better. So Artemis dumbed down his intelligence for the sake of his girlfriend. And it went a little diddy like this;

_Dear Dani,_

_I really, really, really miss you. I'm in detention right now. I love you. I hope you love me too. _

Then Artemis proceeded to draw hearts on all of the i's and bunny rabbits and flowers and sunshines. After doing this, his signed his name. _Artemis Fowl the Second_. He folded it up in a tiny square of origami and put it in his pocket to give her later.

Just then, the windows flew open, putting everyone in panic of what was going on. Artemis looked around and put hi sunglasses on. Right as he did, a tiny voice squealed.

"GOT DAMN! He put the sunglasses on!" Trouble stomped his foot. Chix grimaced.

"We could just take them off and memer him!" He hissed. Trouble nodded.

"Oh yeah."

Artemis looked around the room wildly. And then, Trouble, Chix, Grub, and an unknown pixie appeared. Harry and Draco screamed at the same time.

"FAIRIES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" They screamed at the same time and dived behind Mr. Weimer's desk. Artemis looked at Trouble.

"Captain! What's the nature of this visit?" He asked seriously. Capstan seriously quirked an eyebrow.

"We're stealing- I mean, we've come to see why you're being so OOC," Trouble put his hands on his hips. Artemis gave them a searching look.

"I'm not OOC! I'd think I'd know if I was!" He said indignantly. Trouble scratched his head.

"Well, our OOC meter said you were extreme! There must be something wrong. Our instruments are **state-of-the-art**!" Trouble said as a few fans of 24 drained their glass because of the drinking game they were playing.

"Your instruments made a mistake! I'm not OOC!" Artemis retorted. Trouble grimaced.

"Just to be sure, we've going to have surveillance on you. Our biggest concern is that you're in a fan fiction. Once we prove this is an original writing of Eoin Colfer, we'll leave the area. But if the worst happens, we might have to take drastic measures," Trouble saluted Artemis. Artemis nodded passively and sighed. Trouble, Chix, Pix, and Grub disappeared and left Capstan and Mr. Weimer with the strangest looks.

"Who the hell was that?!" Mr. Weimer screamed. Artemis waved his hand at Capstan and Mr. Weimer.

"You did not see or hear that," Artemis spoke sternly. Capstan and the math teacher nodded zombie-like.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Trouble and Pix went off through the dorms to search for anything unusual. Grub and Chix went to Artemis' room to search for signs of OOC. Trouble hovered quietly and took it easy.

"Artemis has actually been fairly helpful to the People when he wasn't trying to exploit us," Trouble said thoughtfully, filling Pix in on the LEP's venture with Fowl. Pix was a LEP n00b. Hi training was almost complete, but even when it was, he'd still be a n00b, and he'd still wake up with having cream or toothpaste on his face.

"One time he helped me pick out wallpaper. And I know the Mud Boy's been selling Root some good mead from his own brewery. And Grub got some cool indie music from him too," Trouble spoke enthusiastically. And then he remember, "Oh yeah, and he helped stop Opal Koboi that one time." He was considerably less appreciative of the latter.

Just then, a girl skipped down the hallway. Trouble quirked an eyebrow. Pix cleared his throat.

"Hey, isn't this an all-boys school?" Pix asked. Trouble nodded. Dani looked up at the both of them.

"Hey look! Fairies!" She pointed and smiled. Trouble and Pix panicked.

"I thought no one could see us!" Pix screamed.

"They can't! Why can she?!" Trouble asked to no one. DanI beckoned at them.

"Come here little fairies! I won't hurt you! I want to be your best friend," Dani giggled.

"Little?! I'm not little! I'm a good size for a fairy, thank you!" Trouble shouted. Dani looked perplexed. Some boy came down the hall towards Dani and the LEP.

"Dani? What the hell are you doing?" They asked, seeing that she was looking up into the air. Dani turned around.

"Fairies! There are fairies in the school! Why didn't someone tell me?" Dani asked crossly. One of the boys, named Daniel, started crying and ran the opposite direction. But this is the same kid that cries every time he hears "You Had A Bad Day" on the radio.

"What? There aren't any fairies!" Ute retorted angrily, appalled by what he thought was a derogative name. "We're all people!"

"Yes! We're the People!" Trouble beat his chest with his fist. Dani turned to him.

"Why can't they see you?" Dani asked. "Show yourselves to them!"

"What? I don't even know why YOU can see me, freak!" Trouble and Pix took this opportunity to fly away.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Almost done! Thank Jesus! I can't believe you're still reading. I'm amazed. Fourteen chapters of insanity. Sick. School starts in two days (from writing this, not from updating). Can't wait to go there and sleep off the first semester. Hey, does anyone wanna know how to make a shrunken head, because I got the recipe hear in my hand. Just gimme a review and I'll gladly tell you. Thanks for reading!


	15. Dani Smells

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Thinks Edward Gorey will sell his soul to Hot Topic soon. Poser.)

A/N: Fifteen? The penultimate chapter? Amazing! I'm already late in sending it in though. It's a good thing Criminality Challenges are easy on deadlines.

Does anyone here support the Phantom of the Opera rock musical? Please, let me know. I'm terrified that two people will like it. And that would be me and my dad. No, j/k. Me and SlateReaper.

If anyone is interested in Romanov stuff (you know, Anastasia), lemme know. I'm in the process of writing the most fantastic fiction about it.

Disclaimer: As much as I like Tenacious D, that's about all I have in common with Eoin Colfer who wrote Artemis Fowl. Thus, I don't own AF, nor do I own Harry Potter or anything else I throw mercilessly into this twisted vortex of plot doomcoming.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Fifteen: Dani Smell Fishy (must be her designer perfume)

Butler was in a very compromising position. One that Madam Ko would not have been able to train him about. One that if he was in character, he would've stopped immediately.

Butler sat on the floor of Artemis' dorm room with Trouble, Grub, Pix, and Chix. Bags of crackers and popcorn and assorted junk food filled the room with a greasy stench. Grub filthied the PS2 controller with his cheese powered hands. Butler wasn't sure what was going on, but he was confidant that if the situation called for kung fu, he'd be ready.

"Dammit! Xemnas is a such a whore! How do the programmers of this game expect us to go through four levels before we die and start over?! This is bull!" Grub pounded on the X and triangle button faster than fan girls typing in replies for posts that bash their favorite ships. Trouble was getting drunk on Perky Juice. Butler shifted his eyes.

"What's going on? Why are you guys here?" He asked quietly. Grub pressed the button at an alarming speed. Pix burped.

"Werr herrr to ratch Artefisk. Wih thinsk hes actin fuhhnny," Pix speech was slurred. Butler scooted away from Pix, bumping into Grub who paused the game and started breathing like a crazed animal.

"Do. You. MIND?!" Grub hissed. Butler was frightened now. He sat next to Trouble then, taking a sip of Perky Juice.

"Hey ya guys. What if -hic- that girl . . . Is what'ses making mud Arty into . . . Uh. . . OC?" Trouble swayed. Pix spilled his juice.

"Naw. Ist Oh Ooooh Cee. Not OC. OC is Occular character. Artefisk is asking Oh Oh Cee, which . . . ah shink it meansh Occular Extra charater," Pix corrected Trouble. Grub paused the last level of his game.

"NO!" Grub started in a drunken rage. "OOC means OUT OF CHARACTER! Did you guys wake up and get stupid or something?! The hell's your problem?! Can't handle a few perky juices, I supposin'! WEAK! WEAK BASTARDS! I've beaten all of Organization Thirteen except for this prick! I can own all of your arses! I've defeated Morgoth! And Sauron! And Darth Vader! Beat that, you media whores!"

Everyone ignored Grub's drunken rant.

"I shink yore right, Trubs. That girl has powers. . . That we can't explain. Like . . . Aliens. Or yetis. And yellow cows," Pix cleaned up the Perky juice with a boy's shirt that he found in a pile under the bed. Butler shifted his eyes again.

"What are you saying, Pix?" Butler asked, still frightened. Pix waved his finger in the air, as if to say he was number one.

"That girl is . . .," He paused to think.

"A half human/half fairy?" Trouble asked.

"An alien!" Pix shouted finally. Trouble nodded.

"Aliens are dangerous! We should destory her immediately!" Trouble said excitedly. "If she was just a human/fairy, there would be no problem. But we must . . . Save the world!"

"Right after I destroy Kingdom Hearts," Grub said obviously. And everyone agreed. But little did they know that the ending credits take about an hour, and that was AFTER the battle, which takes an hour.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Mulch and Holly sat watching the Sci Fi channel with Amethyst, who looked worried and pissed off.

"We need to look for my daughter! She could be in danger! Or . . . A nun!" Amethyst cried. Mulch put a finger up to her.

"Shh! Dr. Who is on," Mulch murmured. Holly looked entranced.

"How is this helping?!" Amethyst squealed. Holly swallowed.

"Good brainstorming time," Holly replied nonchalantly. Amethyst looked at the two detectives in horror. She definitely would not be telling her croquet group about this.

-.-.-.-.-.-

After hours, when the school teachers went home and the students were free to do homework or watch TV or rap battle, Chix, Pix, Trouble, and a very angry Grub put on their fairy camo and roamed the school in search of the girl that possessed superhuman (or dulled fairy) abilities. Chix had to constantly pull Pix around, and Trouble (after thirty years at LEP) could barely fly. Grub, after seven Perky Juices, was strangely able to move, but pissed as hell.

"How can a girl get into the school? What is the purpose of that?" Grub grumbled and never spoke a word about mommy. No one bothered to answer Grub because they were either too drunk or too . . . Not interested.

And then in a blink of light, Dani skipped down the hall past them.

"GET HER!" Trouble yelled. But she was gone. And no one seemed enthusiastic enough to want to catch her. Grub scratched his chin.

"What we need is a tactical plan. We need. . . Something to catch her in."

-.-.-.-.-.-

We cut scene to the garbage pail. Because, for some sick reason, it's tied to the story.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Everyone was in the common room after hours. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone I've mentioned and given name to. Because of the curse Spectrous Amora, Artemis was busily flipping channels and stopped on E! to watch The Soup. Carter snatched the flipper from Artemis.

"I don't want to watch this! I wanna watch Foster's!" The boy screamed and changed it. Artemis stood up.

"That's it! I've had enough of your crap! Give it back!" Artemis grabbed hold of the controller and started yanking it from Carter. They yanked back and forth for a while, and fan girls giggling at the OTP. No, not Artemis/Carter slash. It was Artemis/Controller slash.

The largest boy or girl in the school stood up from his/her coach and pulled the boys apart.

"Stop fighting! We have a scrimmage tomorrow and I want to be the one to kill Artemis and make it look like a fatal Football accident," He/she stated. Carter gave up, but Artemis looked scandalized.

"What have I ever done to you?" Artemis asked, at risk of a super cliché.

"You were born, weren't you?" He/she asked sarcastically. His/her head imploded upon her cliché reply. Artemis turned around, seeing that Carter had the flipper again. He frowned and sat down. On a whoopee cushion that was set by an American transfer student named Mitchell, which has to be the worst name ever.

Artemis winced as some of the lesser mature boys laughed. Dani squealed in a fit of giggles. Artemis grunted and threw the whoopee cushion at the floor. Giggle were heard through the room as Bloo screamed about something on TV. Artemis crossed his bony arms and pouted. Once he realized Dani wasn't coming to his rescue, he walked over to her.

"Dani, I love you," He said pathetically. She sneered at him.

"Well I don't love you!" She spat. Artemis had heard her, but didn't understand the words.

"You don't really mean that, do you?" He asked, got on his knees and smiled at her sweetly. She scooted away from him.

"I do!" She squeaked. Artemis scooted closer.

"Why?" He asked, as if this was a game.

"Get away! RAPE!" She screamed.

Upon hearing this trigger word, Capstan came out of nowhere and punched Artemis in the face. He'd dreamed about this every night since he'd known that Dani fancied Artemis. Artemis flew backward and hit the floor.

"Are you alright, Dani?" Capstan asked in panic. She smiled at him sweetly.

"Yes, Capstan. Thank you," She sprung up and hugged and kissed him. "I think I love you!" She squealed.

All of the boys in the room rolled their eyes simultaneously, except for Artemis (who would've but he was currently cross-eyed) and Capstan (who actually believed her). The two skipped off in the hallway, leaving Artemis as a laughing stock and heart broken, but released from her spell at last. He looked around the room with new eyes.

"Was I in love for a second there?" He asked, scratching his head. Carter shook his head. Artemis grimaced and walked to his room.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Juliet shuddered in a corner because of the screams coming from Artemis Fowl Senior's bedroom. Angeline was sitting quietly at the kitchen table doing a cute puppy puzzle. Juliet cried silently.

"HARDER SIRIUS! HARDER DAMMIT!" Artemis screamed in ecstasy. Juliet winced.

"Hell no! I'm trying as hard as I can! Shut up!" Sirius yelled back in agony. Juliet put her arms over her head.

"Screw. That was the best move I've ever seen," Artemis sounded impressed. Why hasn't Angeline caught any of this yet?, Juliet wondered silently.

"I know. I'm so damn flexible. My mother told me so," Sirius was bragging now. Juliet gagged.

"Your mother?! What the hell? How does she know?" Artemis asked scandalized.

"She's seen me play with Remus before!" Sirius exclaimed. Artemis was silent for a moment.

"REMUS?! What about me?!" Artemis asked.

"Oh right. You too. But Remus is better. And harder. He's done this loads of times," Sirius replied. Artemis scoffed.

"Whatever," Artemis' foot steps were heard on the squeaky floor and they were coming toward the door. Juliet shielded herself from the sight she was trying hard not to imagine. The door opened to a dark room where Sirius was seated on the floor in front of the TV. Artemis tilted his head as he saw Juliet curled up on the floor.

"Hey Juliet. Are you feeling well?" He asked. . . With all of his clothes on. Juliet wiped the tear from her face.

That day, Juliet learned a very important lesson. Always check the room to see if they are playing Kingdom Hearts 2, instead of assuming the worst. Or best. Whatever.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: Yeah. That's the moral of the story right there. Never use the whole "plot twist" of someone hearing something sexual but it turns out to be something else. It's cliché and overused and I had to do it for the sake of the fate of the world. Please don't spork me. Wait. Spork? I'd much rather be punjabbed. Thank you.

Reviews are nice too.

Trigger word- A word someone uses to trigger an action from a brainwashed person (usually a government operative or someone close to the Commander in Chief)

24 fans take another swig.


	16. Entropy is a Pail

**Beautiful. Smart. Entropy.**

By Spectra16 (Will probably reuse every crappy joke in this story in a different fandom)

A/N: Congrats! -kazoo- You made it through this story sorta! Well, more importantly, you bothered to check this chapter. Good for you! I'd give you a piece of my Pokemon cake but it sorta melted. I didn't know it had ice cream in it. Sorry. Oh yeah, right. THANK YOU FOR READING.

Reader: Stop yelling!

A/N: Sorry. Now, onto business! THIS IS THE FINAL CHAPTER. Yay! The end is upon us! It's come to reign on us from sixteen years! The end is nigh! Repent! REPENT!

Reader: . . .I'm leaving.

A/N: Okay okay! Sorry! I'll behave now. But thank you again for reading. I'm not responsible for mental damages you've suffered from reading this. I think I said that already. (doesn't feel like looking back) I'm just as sick of writing this as you are of reading it! Whatever that means, right?

Disclaimer: Shut up already. I don't own Artemis Fowl or anything I mentioned or will mention. And I'd like to give a shout out to Mr. Weimer and especially Mr. Monarski who sat through this, skimming to the parts they were in and being struck utterly confused. And thanks to my reviewers, of course. A fan fiction writer wouldn't be complete without late night readers and groupies.

Enjoi.

Pissst! Don't tell anyone but there's going to be a sequel, and it's going to be better than this story. It's another satire with a little less OOC, or at least, Spectra won't blatantly flonce it around. It's called Artemis Fowl and Hawthorne Heights, a humor fic about Artemis' unfortunate transfer into the most emo/punk school in Ireland. But don't tell anyone I told you so.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter 16: Entropy is a Pail

Artemis opened the dorm room door to find Butler in a state of shock. He rushed over to his stoic body guard quickly and shook him.

"Butler, what's the matter?" Artemis asked urgently. Butler broke from his trance and looked into his principal's eyes.

"They were . . . Dancing," Butler said breathlessly. Artemis quirked an eyebrow.

"Who was dancing?"

"And singing. They were singing . . .," Butler gulped, "Sexy Back."

"Butler, you're not making sense! What happened?!" Artemis shook Butler again. The odd OOC physical contact between the two of them made Artemis/Butler shippers squeal. Butler pressed his lips together.

Butler shuddered with some undisclosed emotion. Artemis gave up on him and went to get his jacket.

"I'm going to search for Trouble and his troupe. I'll be back in a moment," Artemis said and slammed the door behind him. Butler went back to be scarred for life.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Root and Foaly peered over their Artemis Fowl phone. The Artemis Fowl phone had a long history as complex as Artemis himself, and the history he had with the people. The Artemis Fowl phone was first constructed and used after the Arctic incident. It was a white receiver with a fire truck red speaker part. The phone wasn't actually able to call anyone, it only received calls from Artemis whenever he decided to call. It also had a happy smiley face on it with blue eyes and when it rang, the nose had a light that would blink. After the C Cube incident, the phone was disconnected but remained on Root's desk as a reminder that mud men were not to be left with their memories of the People. The light never blinked from then on. The phone was reconnected when Opal returned and Artemis helped them with that situation. And now, it was blinking again. And ringing. Foaly meekly picked it up.

"Road Kill Café. You kill it, we grill it. How may I help you?" Foaly asked. Artemis coughed.

"Foaly? This is Artemis. I think there's a security breach in my school," Artemis spoke sternly. 24 drinking game participants drink to the phrase "security breach". Foaly grimaced.

"Yes. We sent four officers to check on you. Apparently, your OOC meter was at a dangerous level," Foaly said. Artemis grunted.

"Apparently. But I wasn't talking about the LEP that are here. I think there's a half human, half fairy here. She's been using mesmer on the boys here," Artemis replied. Foaly scratched his neck.

"Don't you go to an all-boys school?" Foaly asked. Artemis grunted.

"Yes. That's worrisome as well. Is there any way you can . . . Get rid of her?" Artemis asked for lack of words.

"Maybe. If she really is a fairy. But if not, then maybe you should just give in and say you _like _her," Foaly smirked. Artemis stomped his foot down.

"I do not!"

"Fine. Whatever. Alright, we'll tell Trubs and Grubs, Pix and Chix. Alright? Now go get some sleep, you little evil genius you!" Foaly hung up on Artemis and pulled out his LSD screen communicator devise. Root puffed his cigar.

"Where'd you get the money for that?" Root barked. Foaly looked up at him from the screen.

"I'm not sure. But I do know we were under funded in LEP training and we haven't had a pizza party in a while," Foaly replied nonchalantly. Root nodded.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Trouble answered his communicator device and saw Foaly's face.

"Hi," Trouble said strangely. Foaly ignored it.

"We have a problem! There's a girl in the all-boys school! She might be a fairy human! Stop her!" Foaly said unenthusiastically. Trouble nodded.

"We already met her. And yeah, she could see us with our fairy camo on! And she used mesmer on the boys!" Trouble exclaimed. Foaly nodded, bored.

"Kay. Wrap her up and bring her home," Foaly was on the brink of snoozing. Trouble nodded.

"We were just about to do that," Trouble said and Foaly cut the transmission.

"Alright soldiers! Look sharp! We've got a freak on the loose!" Trouble stood up straight, working off his drunkenness. Pix and Chix were being dragged by Grub. Trouble shrugged and figured he and Grub could take a onr little Mary Sue. Unfortunately, they were not aware that ALL Sues know karate.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Mr. Monarski was asleep on his desk. He'd actually dismissed his class in his sleep and remained there for a few hours afterwards, where he was now. Beside his garbage pail of doom. The pail grimaced at the sight of the pool of drool that was slowly edging it's way toward him. The classroom was dark and the custodian was busy not sweeping floors, but instead, watching an educational video on Guns, Germs and Steel. Trouble and Grub (the only alert ones) came into the classroom, looking for something to trap the girl in. Trouble looked around and his eyes were immediately drawn to the garbage pail. He smiled and picked it up.

Mr. Monarski stirred.

"No. Don't eat the apple pie," He muttered barely audible. Trouble stopped, and once he was convinced that the Fidel Castro/Bloody Nicholas look alike was not going to wake up, he moved it again.

The custodian named Dan looked over at the garbage pail floating in the air. He quickly looked back at his movie, not bothered by this at all. After all, he was the old custodian for Hogwarts. He'd seen his fair share of weird. And he was fired for blackmailing Snape into making him love potions. Blackmailing Snape with what, I don't know. Nor do I want to know.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis finally caught up with Trouble and Grub. They walked down the halls in search of Dani. She wasn't too hard to find, because at the moment, she was the center of attention. Capstan and her decided it was a good idea to snog in the middle of the hallway, like normal teenagers. Artemis grimaced in disgust.

"This is her, right?" Trouble asked in conformation. Artemis nodded quickly.

"She's the only girl in the school! DUH!" He retorted. Trouble quirked an eyebrow at the OOCness that possessed Artemis to say 'Duh'. Trouble looked back at his brother, who was propping up Chix and Pix, and then back at Dani.

"Girl in an all-boys school," Trouble addressed her, not knowing her name yet, "I hereby declare you under arrest for existing! Bow down to my pwnzorness!" Trouble said and threw the pail over her, since he was incredibly drunk and might as well have thrown himself.

The pail was about a third of the size of Dani, so when Trouble wanted to cover some of her, he certainly hadn't expected that the pail would engulf her. Trouble and Artemis ran over to the pail and flipped it upside. What they saw was not Dani crunched up in a ball in the pail. They saw an infinite abyss of death and darkness.

"What the hell?" Artemis asked. Trouble quirked a serious eyebrow.

"Where'd she go?" Capstan inquired.

"I haven't the slightest-," Trouble was cut off by a rampaging Scottsman.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" He boomed, running down the hallway at the group. Artemis shit himself. And so did the fairies.

"We uh . . . Used the garbage pail to cover Dani?" Grub guessed with a fearful smile. Mr. Monarski ran over to the pail and knelt down.

"We've lost yet another person to the pail! NOOOOO!" Mr. Monarski cried. Artemis patted him on the shoulder.

"Who _else _did you lose?" Grub asked. Mr. Monarski sniffed.

"Tom Baker and a series of sugar high girls," Mr. Monarski said stiffly. Artemis was busily thinking about this. And not unlike Winnie the Pooh, he sat on the ground and poked his head repeatedly.

"Wait, were these girls . . . Mary Sues?" Artemis asked. Mr. Monarski shrugged.

"I dunno! But they were all beautiful and perfect in every way! I just feel bad for Tom Baker. He was the best doctor ever," Mr. Monarski went back to crying and not contributing to the plot.

"This must be the Matrix!" Chix pulled out of his unconsciousness to shout that and then went back to sleeping.

"No. It's not the Matrix! It's a garbage pail that takes Mary Sues out of the world and restores the peace and normality," Artemis concluded. Everyone went "ooh" as if they understood and then went back to doing normal things. The students went back to spitting on each other and watching mindless TV. Mr. Monarski went back to his planning on conquering the world. The rest of the teachers went back to smoking in the lounge. Friederick, the psychic boy, turned from the action and walked away saying, "I knew that was going to happen! I just didn't say anything because I wanted it to be a surprise." Artemis sat silently with the LEP and Butler.

"Our story has been restored! Everything's alright now!" Trouble said happily. "Wait. Are we still OOC? Here, Artemis, say something stupid!"

Artemis tried and tried but he couldn't. Only then they were convinced that the worst was over. Butler sighed in relief.

"I'm glad that's over," Butler said quietly. Trouble waved his finger.

"Oh no. It's not over yet. We're still in a fan fiction. We just have to get out, but that won't be too hard," Trouble stated. Artemis stayed silent for a few moments.

"How do we _get _out of a fan fiction?" He asked. Trouble looked at him as if it was an obvious answer.

"Once it ends, of course! The prodigy boy didn't know that?!" Trouble joked. Butler laughed a little. Artemis looked down at his shoes.

"I'm not much for fan fiction. I'd rather enjoy the original writings," Artemis admitted. Trouble nodded. There was a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

"We just wait then?" Artemis asked. Trouble nodded. Artemis sighed. Chix stood up wobbly.

"You guy can wait. I'm getting something to eat."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Mulch and Holly starred at the television while Amethyst ran around screaming.

"YOU GUYS ARE LOUSY DETECTIVES! The story is over and I never got to meet my long lost daughter!" Amethyst threw objects around the room. Mulch and Holly didn't care if she'd dropped an atomic bomb on them.

"Go bother someone else then," Holly muttered. Amethyst screamed.

"I WASTED ALL THAT TIME ON YOU! And now my daughter has been sucked into a vortex of doom! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screamed.

And so you see, Mulch and Holly's laziness has caused a major "plot twist" to be ruined. They could've picked up the phone and called Root to find out what was happening with Artemis. Or they could've directly called Artemis and pieced together the puzzle that was the mother/daughter relationship (or lack thereof) between Amethyst and Dani.

Moral? Don't be lazy. And don't eat wooden table legs.

-.-.-.-.-.-

What? You want another moral? Well, how about never marry your partner in crime.

"CUDGEON?! WHERE THE HELL IS THE BLENDER?!" Opal screamed in rage. Cudgeon was busily hiding under a laundry bin. "CUDGEON! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Cudgeon shuddered. He'd much rather be playing golf with Sirius Black and Artemis Fowl senior. Or playing poker with the devil. Or eating toothpaste. Or lipstick. Or duck taping the hair on his legs. Or listening to Paris Hilton's CD. Or being hit with a baseball bat. Or getting kicked in the teeth. Or having someone he hardly knew watch him pick his nose.

-.-.-.-.-.-

"Yeah. No offense Pix, but you're a completely worthless edition to this story," Chix said. Pix nodded.

"Yeah. You weren't good for anything. We could've made it without you. But you were a fun drinking buddy," Trouble admitted. Pix nodded sadly.

"I know. It's okay. I'm getting paid for this," Pix admitted. Everyone looked shocked.

"What? Lucky!" Chix playfully punched him in the shoulder. Artemis looked around, noticing that they were on their last cut scene.

"Oh. Um . . . Yes. What an exciting adventure that was."

"Yes. It's a good thing it's over with," Butler agreed.

"That Dani girl was hot," Chix said slyly.

"I've learned my lesson. Always listen to what my mommy says," Grub smiled. Pix looked at him.

"Why? What did she say?"

"I don't know! I didn't listen to her!" Grub shrugged. Trouble groaned.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Somewhere far away in Kentucky, Afghanistan. . .

Madam Ko was doing yoga with her new pupils of death. She seemed in character for the most part until she started talking.

"Now remember children, you are on a beach with dolphins. . ."

-.-.-.-.-.-

THE END

A/N: GOT DAMN IT'S FINALLY OVER! THANK YOU! I'm sad to say none of the lines topped the OOCness of A Few Good Personalities, in which Artemis said, "I'm canned fruit." Oh well. I didn't finish that story. Don't read it. Anyways, thank you for reading. This is my final bidding. Have a nice day. And even if it isn't nice, just remember- **all your really need in life is a pocket knife, a stick of gum, a smile, ibuprofen, duct tape and a towel.**


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